Heart Wars
by Usagi-Zakura
Summary: Star Wars Parody staring KHcharacters. Sora and Riku finds a recepie to make a death star online, and the worlds of Kingdom Hearts are turned upside down as Organization XIII has to take the role as heroes.
1. Part IV: Recepie for Disaster

**Usagi: Hello everyone! And welcome to a brand new Parody I've been wanting to submit for some time now. Now's the time.**

**Zakura: for those who don't know us. I'm Zakura, Usagi's bunny, and Usagi is plain nuts.**

**Usagi: ri…hey! **

**Sora: it's true.**

**Usagi: ach, Shut up both of you. **

**This fanfic was inspired by an article I found on Uncyclopedia (so the article Riku reads actually exists, yet I've only seen it on the Norwegian page though) and a MSN-RP**

**Zakura: you don't even want to know what goes on there.**

**Usagi: eyh… Didn't I tell you to shut up?**

**Zakura: yes, but I'm a rabbit, not just a dog you can boss around.**

**Usagi: well shut up or I'll GET the dog.**

**Zakura: …**

**Usagi: so… enjoy the prologue!**

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**DISCLAIMER  
Usagi-Zakura does not own Star Wars, Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, Sam and Max, Harry Potter or Disgaea.**

**I only own the Sequel DVD-box (episodes 4-6) an 1-3 on separate DVDs, Kingdom Hearts 1 and 2 for PS2, Final Fantasy VII Advent Children on DVD, most of the Harry Potter books and nothing Disgaea…sniff. I'm sad.**

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**WARNING:**

**This fanfic contains Character-deaths, OOC-ness (like all other Dork-fics), insanity, spoilers (for Star Wars and Kingdom hearts 1 and 2) death stars and internet. **

**Not recommended for people without a sense of humour looking for serious, angsty romantic fanfictions, or people without internet...unless you got a friend to print it for you.  
**

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**Prologue:  
How to Build A Death Star**

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In a fandom, far far away, somewhere inside the mind of a rather vicious sadistic fangirl, a young boy was leaning over his laptop, staring blankly at the screen in front of him, showing if the universal language for the word "I'm bored".

And his body language wasn't lying, the great keyblade master, Sora, was indeed extremely bored. All he had to do was surf on the internet and chat with his best friend Riku on MSN.

The best friend in question was in fact sitting on the other side of the table in Sora's classroom; MSN was another nifty way to send messages to each other without the teacher noticing, especially since neither of them were doing what they were SUPPOSED to be doing.

What were they supposed to be doing? Lord knows, they weren't paying attention.

"I'm bored" Sora wrote on MSN.

"Gee, I did not notice" came the answer, from ten feet away. "I'm just trying to find some information about where to buy Star Wars merchandize online."

Sora just groaned. He had never understood why his best friend was so obsessed about Star Wars; it was neither from Square Enix nor Disney so why bother?

He was soon disturbed from his boredom by a shout from the other side of the table.

"NO FREAKING WAY!" Riku shouted.

His teacher raised an eyebrow at him. "Something wrong?" she asked.

"Er…no. Everything's fine. Just got an error message on the computer but its fine now" Riku said quickly. He turned back to the computer screen and quickly sent a link back to Sora, via MSN.

Sora clicked it, hoping Riku wasn't sending him viruses again; he had only just gotten rid of the last one, but it had caused his antivirus-program to become extremely paranoid so he uninstalled it. A window opened in his web browser.

"How to Build Your Own Death Star" it said, next to it was a pop-up saying "Lol U has a virus".

Sora's eyes widened, ignoring the virus, even if he wasn't a big Star Wars fan, that didn't mean he didn't know what a death star was. He wasn't born under a rock, it was more of a mud hut really… besides Riku had dragged him on to every star wars Premiere, even to the ones who premiered before they were even born (using the magic time travel-door in Mickey's basement).

Sora looked past his computer screen and saw Riku was smirking at him from the other side of the table.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" he whispered.

Sora smirked back.

"Xemnas is so going to hate this…a lot" he replied.

Then Sora's computer blew up.

I--?segassemtercesehtdaeruoynac--I

As the bell rang, the two best friends stayed behind in the classroom, wanting to read more on this amazing article.

Usually when they had nothing better to do they would skip class and go bother the Organization XIII, but now Mickey had confiscated the gummi ship, saying something about "education is more important than you bothering people with no hearts". Sure thing mousey, but it's far more FUN bothering people than being in school all day.

Now however they had a chance to build their OWN ship, what's better, a DEATH STAR.

"So, what do we need?" Sora asked Riku, who was at the computer.

"Well, first thing we need is an evil master plan. Most suggest taking over the world or saving Norway from being invaded by pickles" Riku said.

"Does bothering Roxas count as an evil master plan?" Sora asked.

"Only if we use it to run over his cat".

"Okay!"

"Aright! Let's look at what else we need: Hammer, saw, a green wire (very importantly it needs to be green), Obi Wan Kenobi…"  
"How do we find Obi Wan Kenobi?" Sora interrupted.

"Wasn't he in Usagi's other fic, Dork Period?" Riku asked.

"Oh yeah! We can ask him there!" Sora said. "What else is on the list?"

"We need: Foil to protect ourselves from radioactive rays, a screwdriver, grease, beer, an atomic reactor, steel bolts, stapler (or we could use paperclips), super glue, stickers for decoration, anti material, Pokèmon cards, and duct tape! There's no way we can build anything without tape" Riku said, in which the author couldn't help but agree. Tape was one of her best friends, covering much of the stuff she owned, including the hamster cage (for wind protection, very important).

"I'm sure we can buy all that at the local super market. But who sells Pokèmon cards now a days?" Sora asked.

"Well we could probably beat up some kid and steal his, I'm sure Tidus has some and he's decently beat up-able after Square Enix completely messed up his character for use in Kingdom Hearts, kind of confused why we need them anyway but it says no star commander can do without them so they must be right" Riku said. "Let's see what else it says:

Before you start, it pays to know someone who's built a death star before. Do we know anyone like that?"

"I heard Leon had one stashed away somewhere" Sora said. "He didn't want to take it out cause then Yuffie would steal it and cause chaos in the universe".

"Let us talk to him later. Remember the most important thing though".

"That it needs to have all the best functions and stuff?"

"No, that it looks spectacular. We don't _play _evil star commander, mr. Keyblade master".

"Sorry, _Darth Vader_" Sora muttered.

"Hey! I thought of this plan! If anything I at least want you to address me as _Emperor _Riku" Riku said.

"But I wanted to be the emperor" Sora whined.

"Shut up. You can be Darth Sora" Riku said.

"Fine then! At least I got the better-looking one" Sora muttered.

"Yeah…hey wait! I wanna be the better-looking one!" Riku said.

"Too late, _master. _From now on you're the ugly-looking emperor" Sora said mockingly.

"Sigh! Fine! As long as I can sit in the big chair".

"I wanted to sit in the big chair…"

And so, Sora and Riku started building their death star. No one bothered to try to stop them since they didn't think they would actually finish it.  
Unfortunately they did, to everyone's grief, not only the bad guys, but also to Roxas' cat Trixi who, true to Riku's word, got run over by it.

Power is a dangerous thing, even in the hands of the Keyblade master and his best friend, and it didn't take long before the duo had built their own empire, consisting of an army of heartless Riku just happened to control ("It was a mistake giving him that power" Maleficent groaned), lead by Sora and Riku of course, their old friends and some new ones.

The new ones were a couple of guys Sora and Riku had met on the internet (the forum for crazy psychopaths, which Riku was still frequently visiting), they called themselves "Sam and Max, Freelance police" and were on the team only because Max agreed to let them borrow his "SHOOP DA WOOP"-Laser for their death star if they let him join, and Riku loooooved SHOOP DA WOOP-lasers…

Yes it was a very annoying time period….for the Organization XIII at least.

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**Usagi: and now ladies and maniacs, here's the official start of the Newest Dork-fanfiction.**

**This chapter introduces the following characters: **

**Marluxia as Captain Antilles.  
Namine as Princess Leia Organa.  
Sora as Darth Vader.  
The Heartless as Stormtroopers.  
Sam and Max, Freelance Police as Stormtrooper leaders/Gouvernours.  
Roxas as Luke Skywalker.  
Olette as Beru Lars.  
Pence as Owen Lars.  
Xemnas/Xehanort as Obi Wan Kenobi/Ben Kenobi.  
Tinkerbell as R2D2.  
Tron as C3PO.**

**ENJOY!**

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**Heart Wars. Episode IV: There is no Prequel.**

**Chapter I**

**Recipe for Disaster**

* * *

A pink gummi ship travelled through space near Castle Oblivion as it was attacked by a giant ball of metal and aluminium (and some cardboard) held together with cardboard and tape, carrying a major sign saying "Imma charging mah lazarz".

No one really wanted to mess with the empire as they put up this sign as it usually led to no good, so the captain, the silent assassin Marluxia, decided to just surrender.

It didn't take long before heartless began swarming the ship, Marluxia jumped of the ship screaming something like "remember to water the flowers when I'm gone Namine!"

"Oh great. I was hoping I could force some secrets out of that guy" Sora sighed, as he saw a little pink spot move out of reach of the radar in the Death Star. "Better go ask the witch instead".

Finding Namine in the huge pink gummi ship (wonder who painted that…) wasn't all to easy, as the soldier heartless seemed to freak out at all the pink, and the shadows (who could walk trhough walls) kept forgetting everyone else could not walk trhough walls, so they had problems securing their target.

Eventually Namine was found, not by the heartless, but by Sam and Max, who had strategically blown themselves trhough half the ship using dynamites and various dangerous weapons such as exploding penguins and holy hand grenades, as she had just summoned up a portal far to small for any human (or nobody in Namine's case) could come trhough, so the dog and the rabbit wasn't so sure as to why she had bothered summoning it.

Namine was led back to the Death Star, where Sora was waiting.

"Aha! There you are! The witch who stole my memories" Sora said accusingly.

"You still haven't gotten over that? I said I was sorry" Namine sighed.

Sora whined, as he really had no real reason to be mad at Namine anymore, but he still decided to at least try and keep his mask, (in double meaning: he was wearing a Darth Vader Mask in plastic, which was constantly falling of, yet apart from that he was wearing his regular KH2-uniform). "Well ehm…anyway. We want information on where the Organization is hiding" the keyblade-master said.

"I'm not telling" Namine said stubbornly.

"Aw. Come on".

"No"

"Please?"

"Nope."

"I'll give you cookies?"

"I don't like cookies".

Sora looked as though he was about to have a heart attack, so the little white bunny decided to take over.

"Never mind him, he's a severe idiot. What he was trying to say is: tell us where the Organization's base is or we'll blow up your home world" Max, the white bunny said.

"You wouldn't dare" Namine said.

"Oh yeah? Watch me!" Max said and pressed a button, the sign outside the Death Star quickly changed to "IMMA FIRING MAH LAZARZ!" and with a loud "SHOOP DA WOOP!"-sound Castle Oblivion was blasted to…well, oblivion.

Namine just looked on in horror.

"Ah. Blowing up planets is such a fun pass-time" Max said.

"You crack me up little buddy" his dog-friend Sam said.

"Well done officers, now take this witch to her cell" Sora said, and the heartless carried Namine down to the Death Star's prison cells. "And don't try to escape; the cells are guarded by dementors".

On the way, Namine tried to count how many strange movie or game-referances had been done in the fic so far, surely it was based on Kingdom Hearts-characters and Star Wars, then there was Sam and Max and the Disgaea-prinnies, now Harry Potter's dementors? What was the author on when she wrote this?

**FYI: Several litres of Coca Cola, its 2 AM and I'm still reading crack-fics online. That usually causes a good deal of randomness.**

**IV**--Srennisfosluoshtiwsniugnepdeffutseraseinnirp--**IV**

It was twilight in Twilight Town and a young boy was getting ready for another day of not-really-existing-but existing-all-the-same, as he walked past the streets, he was stopped by one of his friends.

"Rooooxas!" a girl with brown hair yelled as she ran up to her friend.

"Aw, what now Olette?" Roxas asked.

"I sent Pence of to hire some new housekeepers today, but I forgot to tell him to make sure at least one of them knows how to set the watch on the VCR. Could you tell him for me?" Olette asked.

"Who the heck uses a VCR now a day anyway? Just get a DVD-player" Roxas sighed. "But fine, I'll go find him".

He walked over to the Twilight Town Employment Agency where he found Pence, currently interviewing a man.

"So, mr. Tron. What are your qualifications?" Pence asked.

"Well I'm a highly advanced security program, designed to wipe out any virus on the planet, and I can also speak every language known to mooglekind and program the watch on any VCRs" Tron explained.

"Perfect! You're hired!" Pence said. "Now who's next?"

A fairy suddenly zoomed into the room, spreading her pixie dust around while spinning around in the room like a hyped out fangirl who had just spotted someone interesting.

"Oh she's so cute! You're hired!" Pence said.

"Er… I think she's trying to tell us something" Roxas said.

"What? I don't even get what she's doing. Tron? Can you speak fairy?" Pence asked.

"Fairly good sir" Tron said. "She says she's got an important message to some "Xehanort"-guy".

"Never heard of him, have you?" Pence asked.

"Not really, suppose she means old Xemnas?" Roxas asked.

"Bugger if I know. Why don't you go ask him? He's your boss" Pence said.

"I would, but he doesn't really like to be bothered this early…" Roxas said as the fairy started kicking him in the leg. "Okay, okay, I'm going. But I need to borrow Tron so he can translate whatever the pixie's saying".

"Tinkerbell would like to emphasise that she is a fairy, not a pixie" Tron said.

"Her name's Tinkerbell? What kind of lame assed name is that?" Roxas asked.

**IV**--eixipatonsillebreknit--**IV**

Several beatings later, Roxas and the "servants" found themselves at Xemnas' vacation house in Twilight Town; cause Xemnas has a vacation house in Twilight Town.

Roxas carefully knocked the door, and the Superior of Organization XIII stuck his head out, his hair looked more flat than usual so it was obvious he had just been in the shower.

"What do you want nr XIII? Don't you ever knock?" Xemnas asked.

"I did… the pixie here came with a message to some guy called "Xehanort", have you ever heard of him by any chance?" Roxas said, pointing to Tinkerbell who was now glaring at him.

"Xehanort eyh? That's a name I haven't heard in a long time" Xemnas said.

"So you, ouch, know him?" Roxas said and grabbed the fairy before she could cause him any severe injuries.

"Know him? He's me! Or well…my other" Xemnas said.

"But I always thought your name was an anagram of Ansem, now you're telling me your real name was Xehanort?" Roxas asked.

"Well you try creating an anagram of Xehanort and add another X, there are limits to how many Xs I want in my name you know, although it does turn into many interesting sayings when I anagram it" Xemnas said.

As Xemnas started rambling over the different ways to anagram the word "Xehanort" (one of them being "Your mom" for reasons Roxas didn't quite get) Roxas was starting to think it was a bad idea coming here, he'd forgotten how annoying Xemnas could be once he started rambling over something (Usually Kingdom Hearts).

After a few hours Xemnas was done rambling (it wasn't always about his name, he went from that to how much he hated motorcycles, Sora, keyblades, final Fantasy and finally his favourite subject: Kingdom Hearts)

"Well let's see what kind of message you got for me then pixie" Xemnas said.

"She's a fairy" Tron commented as Tinkerbell were saying a few words in fairy language he simply refused to translate.

"I have no heart, I don't care" Xemnas said. "So what's the message pi…fairy?"  
Tinkerbell handed him a note from Namine, now we know who escaped trhough the tiny portal she summoned up in the gummi ship.

"Dear Xehanort.  
How are you doing? We were doing fine until we were randomly attacked by heartless. They're storming the castle as I write this and I fear we may not be able to make it to The World that Never Was with the secret plans about how to destroy the death star which we found on Uncyclopedia.

So instead I'm sending the plans with this here fairy (Fairy was written with a pencil over the word Namine had already written, which appeared to be "Pixie") it's on the back of this paper.  
Would you please deliver it to the HQ for me?

No Love whatsoever. Namine".

"What does she think I am? Her delivery boy?" Xemnas asked. "I'm the freaking superior for Kingdom Heart's sake".

He looked up to see Roxas who had randomly started practising with his keyblades, and knocked over all of his furniture.

"Ops".

Xemnas sighed.

"Well since I have to go get new furniture anyway I might as well go deliver the plans. Come on XIII" he said and turned to leave out the door.

"Well okay, but I should probably tell Pence and Olette first" Roxas said.

They went to the usual spot only to find a couple of shadow heartless crawling on the floor.

"Looks like the heartless came here first. Sorry about your friends, Roxas…. Well no I'm not sorry, but you get what I mean" Xemnas said.

Roxas gazed at the shadows, and then he pierced both of them with his keyblade (one blade into each).

"Meh, screw them. They were annoying anyway" he said. "Let's just go find a gummi ship".

The foursome (Tinkerbell and Tron decided to follow them as their employers had turned into heartless and were later stabbed by Roxas) decided to go to the station, since they had gummi ships at the station.

Under way however they were stopped by a group of heartless.

"We're looking for a pixie and a computer program, have you seen 'em?" one of them, a soldier asked.

Roxas and Xemnas looked at Tron and Tinkerbell.

"Well…. It can't be them, Tink here is a fairy, not a pixie" Roxas said.

The heartless didn't look completely convinced, so they didn't move.

"LOOK! XEHANORT'S HEARTLESS!" Xemnas suddenly yelled.

"Where?!" the heartless yelled, and looked in the direction Xemnas was pointing.

"Run you fool!" Xemnas said and grabbed Roxas before running of, Tinkerbell and Tron followed.

"Wow! That was great! How did you do that?" Roxas said.

"Simple. Lies have much power over simple minded creatures such as these" Xemnas said. "Now lets get to the station before they realise my heartless isn't there".

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**Usagi: well that concludes the first chapter. 7 pages long, I'm shocked. (usually I only write like 2-3 each chapter). **

**As you may have noticed by now, all (well most of them at least) the good guys in this fic are villains and the Organization XIII are the good guys :3**

**Twisted I know… For complete role-list, see my profile.  
**

**Meanwhile: Please review! I won't upload the next chapter until someone does.**


	2. Part IV: Oblivious to Oblivion

**Usagi: yay! I got such nice feedback from the last chapter (well 3 reviews…4 counting the one on DA). If you enjoyed this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it ****my work here is done.**

**This chapter introduces the following characters:**

**Axel as Han Solo.  
Demyx as Chewbacca.  
Squall Leonheart as Jabba the Hutt (please don't ask)  
Yuffie as Jabba/Squall's henchman.**

**Goofy as Greedo. (He has a very short appearance in this fic…)  
And mentions Larxene as Random Rebel nr 12…who died when Castle Oblivion blew up.**

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**  
**

**Chapter II**

**Oblivious to Oblivion**

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As it turned out it was only one person in Twilight Town who coincidentally owned a gummi ship.

Unfortunately for said person…he was in deep shit.

"Listen ahyck. You haven't paid back the money you owe Squall so he's put a large bounty on your head" Goofy said, as he pinned the organization's nr VIII against the wall.

"Yeah, about that, I was just about to pay him back I just don't have the money right now. Got it memorized?" Axel said.

"Just about to isn't enough! I'm bringing you to Leon just now and there's nothing you can…"

Goofy was cut of as a flaming chakram was suddenly stuck into his chest.

He gazed at it for a while, before he caught fire and died.

"Axel, there you are" a new voice said, interrupting Axel's manic laughter. "I thought I smelt barbeque."

Xemnas and Roxas walked up to him, careful not to step at the burning body-parts on the floor.

"'Sup Roxas, and….Superior. Whatever it is, it was all Demyx's fault" Axel said.

"Actually we just came to ask if we could borrow your gummi ship but now that you mention it: what did you do this time?" Xemnas asked.

"Nothing… Larxene's lying I tell yah!" Axel said.

"I haven't spoken to Larxene" Xemnas said. "She won't return any of my calls".

"Good. If you do get to talk to her, don't believe a word she says. So you wanted to borrow the gummi ship eyh? Well that could work out. DEMYX!" Axel yelled.

Demyx appeared from under the table, where he had hidden once Goofy appeared.

"Hello Superior. I tried to stop him, honestly" the melodious nocturne said shivering.

"And exactly WHAT did you try to stop him from?" Xemnas asked suspiciously.

"He tried to stop Goofy from attacking of course, but it worked out, now it's time to power up the gummi ship Demyx, we're leaving" Axel said, quickly covering Demyx's mouth. "We'll just go get the ship ready, we'll meet you there". And with that, Axel pulled Demyx out of the station.

"What was that all about?" Xemnas asked.

"Really, I have no idea" Roxas said, at the back of his head he was annoyed that Axel hadn't invited him along to whatever he and Demyx had been doing, of course if it involved Larxene it could be just as well.

They met up with Axel and Demyx, standing outside a black gummi ship with orange flames painted on them.

"Welcome to the Millennium Falcon Replica" Axel said.

"That is the worst MF-copy I've ever seen" Roxas said.

"Don't blame me. Vexen made it. Are you leaving with us or not?" Axel asked.

"Well we don't have much of a choice as for some reason Usagi won't let us use the dark corridors in this fic" Xemnas said. "Let's just go."

The crew entered the gummi ship which quickly took of, as Roxas looked out the window however he saw a man with long brown hair who was shooting on them with a sword, followed by a girl with black hair who was throwing shurikens at them.

"Er… Axel? Why are these people attacking you?" he asked.

"Er… I have no idea" Axel said innocently.

The gummi ship took of into space, and despite being attacked by various heartless leaving the atmosphere (does the KH-worlds even have an atmosphere?) the gummi ship didn't sustain any too bad injuries.

Axel's hair however broke of a little as he stuck his head out of the window yelling "So long suckers!" before being almost hit by Yuffie's shurikens.

"So, where are we off to?" Axel asked as he seemed more busy fixing his hair than actually driving (Demyx eventually freaked out and took the steering wheel).

"We need to go to Castle Oblivion and help Namine of course!" Roxas said.

"Shouldn't we worry about the fate of the universe first?" Xemnas asked.

"Screw the universe I've got money" Roxas said. **(Guess where this quote came from and I'll send a shadow heartless to your house…or if you for some strange reason is afraid of heartless…I'll avoid sending one if you answer correctly).**

"Well I can't really argue with that, but first you need some combat training, so you won't knock down all my furniture again" Xemnas said.

"Well I don't see why you would need furniture when in battle anyway" Roxas said as Xemnas summoned a dusk.

"Here, you can fight this under way" he said.

Roxas fought the dusk, and was loosing terribly.

"Geez kid, you suck" Axel said.

"You need to concentrate on the force. Your eyes can deceive you, let your feelings guide you" Xemnas said.

"I don't have any feelings" Roxas said.

"Oh…no wonder they wouldn't accept any nobodies on the Jedi Academy" Xemnas said to himself.

--Ih--

Later as they got to their destination…

"Where's the castle?" Demyx asked.

"Nr VIII, did you get lost again?" Xemnas asked.

"No way, and I got to tell you Demyx was the one driving" Axel said.

"I went the right way Superior, it should be here, right beside that funny moon over there" Demyx said, pointing to a metallic space station covered in stickers, the letters "SDW-DS" was written on it.

"That's not a moon that's THE FREAKING DEATH STAR YOU IDIOT! TURN THE SHIP AROUND!" Xemnas yelled.

Demyx freaked (again) and tried to turn the ship around, however all that happened was that the Gummi Ship shook a little bit.

"What are you waiting for? Why are you driving towards it?" Roxas yelled.

"I'm trying to turn around! Honestly! They've got us trapped in some tractor beam" Demyx said.

"Wow. Those two really DID read the instructions for that Death Star" Xemnas said.

"Good to hear you're impressed at the empire just before THEY KILL US!" Roxas yelled.

The Death Star pulled them in further, as Demyx was screaming at the top of his lungs (which appeared to have gotten even larger since they no longer had to make room for his heart) while the others stared at him with a puzzled expression.

The ship stopped in the Death Star's hangar, and it didn't take long before a couple of soldier heartless came in to search the ship.

Unfortunately, Sora and Riku had forgotten that heartless were specialists in seeking out hearts, but they were unable to find the nobodies although they were just standing behind a curtain. As for Tron and Tinkerbell….well Tron was a computer program hiding in the PC and Tinkerbell was so small the heartless couldn't' see her.

Sam and Max were waiting outside the ship.

"Did you find anyone in there?" Sam asked.

"No sir" one heartless said.

"They must have portalled out or something" said the other one.

"Too bad, I wanted to torture them myself" Max said.

"Pity you blew up Castle Oblivion or you could have taken some of the nobodies living there" Sam said.

"Meh. Larxene lived in that castle, whoever lived there with her must have gotten used to all sorts of torture" Max said.

The two animals and their heartless helpers left, and the nobodies peeked out of the gummi ship.

"We need a plan" Xemnas said.

"You bet, Namine's in here somewhere and we got to save her!" Roxas said.

"You know, for someone without a heart you're extremely obsessed with that girlfriend of yours" Xemnas said.

"It's better than being obsessed by a large pink heart" Roxas said.

"Ah, you got me" Xemnas said. "Well here's a plan, I go and try to shut of the tractor beam while you guys rescue Namine".

"K bye" said the trio, then they left.

"Did everyone forget about us or something?" Tron asked.

"Yup. Would you mind watching the ship? K thanks" Xemnas said and ran of before Tron and Tinkerbell had time to complain.

"I think they just ditched us Tink" Tron said in disbelief.

"I knew I should have stayed behind in Neverland" Tinkerbell sighed (in fairy language mind you).

IV---Tnemtaertrettebevresedswodahs---IV

The popular trio were sneaking trhough the death star and had so far been able to go unnoticed, despite the fact that Demyx was humming the Mission Impossible team.

"Demyx, shut up! They're going to find us" Axel said.

"I was only trying to loosen up the tension" Demyx apologized.

"WE'RE GONNA GET CAUGHT YOU IDIOT!" Axel yelled.

Just then, dozens of heartless appeared around them.

"Great work Axel" Roxas growled.

"Demyx. This is all your fault" Axel said and summoned his chakrams.

Demyx and Roxas only glared at him as they summoned their weapons.

V--Laicremmocneddihatonsisiht--V

Meanwhile, Xemnas was having problems of his own.

"LOOK OVER THERE! IT'S XEHANORT'S HEARTLESS!"

"WHERE?"

Or would, hadn't heartless been the dumbest creatures ever to walk on any world. (Or fly, swim, crawl or whatever they were doing to get around)

So all Xemnas had to do was walk casually trhough the ship, humming the chocobo theme song whilst randomly making up lies to get the heartless of his back, and hoping he wouldn't bump into Sam and Max or Sora. Thank god Riku wasn't on the ship, or things could get WAY harder.

He finally made his way towards the main controls which controlled the tractor beam, and turned it of.

"This is the easiest mission yet, better get back to the ship, I'm sure VIII, IX and XIII are already back with Freak by now" Xemnas said. **(Based on Dork Period. In that fic, Xemnas continually refers to everyone by their numbers but as Namine's not part of the Organization she's referred to as "Freak" for not having a number or an X in her name.)**

VI--Ssenkradnitsoldear--VI

But Axel, Demyx and Roxas weren't back at the gummi ship with Namine; in fact they had been captured.

"Some rescuers you are" Namine complained as they were tossed into her cell, Axel and Demyx were still arguing over whose fault it was.

"Sorry… we're here to save you" Roxas said.

"Good luck with that" Namine said.

Suddenly a trap door opened under them and they fell onto some….trash.

"What the hell just happened?" Roxas asked.

Meanwhile back in the control room, a phone rang.

"I GOT IT!" Max yelled.

"No! I GOT IT" said Sam and threw Max onto the control panel before grabbing the phone.

"I think I just hit a random button" Max said. "Get rid of annoying prisoners" he read out loud. "Huh. Strange. Oh well. Probably nothing important".

Back with our heroes.

"I think we are in the trash compactor room" Axel said.

"WE ARE GOING TO DIE!" Demyx yelled.

"Stop whining, it's only trash" Roxas sighed, then suddenly, something grabbed his foot.

"IT'S GOT ME! I'M GOING TO DIE!" he yelled.

"LIKE OMG! GOT IT MEMORIZED?" Axel yelled, causing everyone to stare at him with a puzzled expression (except Roxas who was still struggling to break free), before frying the monster that grabbed Roxas.

"MY FOOT'S ON FIRE!"

…Leaving Demyx to put out the fire on Roxas' foot.

"Boys, stop fooling around, it was only a wire that got stuck around your foot" Namine said, and held up the burnt wire.

"Oh…ops" Roxas said.

"You are so hopeless. Now we need to find a way to get out of here" Namine said.

"No problem, coincidentally there's a door right behind you" Roxas said, pointing to the door right behind Namine.

Roxas used the keyblade to open the door and soon they were free like a bird (or 4 birds).

"WOOT!"

And it would have continued running smoothly too if Demyx hadn't just yelled that.

VII---Llasullikotgniogerastibbar---VII

"So, who was on the phone Sam? No wait; don't say it, the commissioner?" Max asked.

"Actually no, it was Sora, he wanted to know who shut of the tractor beam" Sam said.

"It wasn't me" Max said. "I've been keeping an eye on myself all day.

"Well it wasn't me neither, I've been keeping an eye on you all day. Sweet heartless on a sunny day, we've got intruders in the Death Star" Sam said.

"Wow Sam. Did you figure that out judged by the threesome that the heartless just captured?" Max said.

"No. There's another one, I just saw him on the surveillance camera" Sam said, pointing to the screen where they saw Xemnas bouncing happily trhough the corridors.

"We got to tell the boss about this…"

VIII---Maerceci---VIII

Xemnas was indeed bouncing happily trhough the corridors. He had gotten tired of walking, so he decided to try something new. Extremely silly and out of character but hey! He's playing one of the good guys! Something's definitely not right with this fanfic.

He could see the gummi ship now, Tron and Tinkerbell sat on the outside looking sad and alone, so obviously the trio hadn't appeared with Namine yet.

"Now where did those three go?" Xemnas wondered to himself.

"Same place you're going" said a new voice.

Xemnas turned around and noticed Sora, who was pointing a laser-version of the Kingdom Key at him.

"What in Kingdom Hearts is that?" Xemnas asked.

"It's a laser-keyblade. Do you like it?" Sora said.  
"It looks ridiculous" Xemnas said.

"That's it! You'll pay for that" Sora said and charged at Xemnas, who countered him with his own light sabres.

"You know…you would have fit much better as Darth Maul or something if only you attached those two to each other" Sora said.

"Yeah, but Usagi never made a Prequel-fic so I'm stuck as Obi Wan Kenobi" Xemnas said.

While the two arch-rivals were fighting the trio+Namine returned, being chased by several heartless and a prinny, no one knew quite where the prinny came from.

Xemnas noticed the gang.

"Where the heck have you been?" he asked.

"Er…we encountered some problems" Roxas said.

"Meaning: these three are all morons" Namine said.

"Oh please, tell me something I don't know" Xemnas said.

Yes this conversation certainly seemed friendly and happy but Xemnas forgot one important thing.

He was still in battle, Sora took advantage of his enemy not paying attention and stabbed him right in the lungs (of course, stabbing the heart would be useless, as Xemnas didn't have one).

"YES!" Roxas yelled.

"Yes Roxas, it's very nice but we got to go" Namine said and dragged Roxas into the gummi ship.

"Let's go, let's go, let's go!" Demyx yelled over and over again.

"Just a second! I need time to start!" Axel said. "If we get caught now it's all your fault Demyx."

And so, after finishing their noble mission and seeing their boss get killed, the Millennium Falcon Replica took of and left the Death Star in a hurry.

* * *

**Usagi: ****so, that concludes this chapter. **

**Riku: where am I in this fic?**

**Usagi: you'll appear in the next chapter…although Emperor Palpatine didn't appear in Star Wars Episode IV…but there are quite a few changes.**

**Kairi: where am **_**I**_** in this fic?**

**Usagi: yah…sorry…we ran out of female characters… But you could play Padme.**

**Kairi: oh cool! What's my motivation?**

**Usagi: well…you'll be Sora's girlfriend…nothing new there…and you'll be dead.**

**Kairi: eyh…**

**Usagi: hey! It's the easiest part in the world! All you have to do is lie down in a coffin.**

**Kairi: I'll pass. Are there no empress in Star Wars?**

**Usagi: would you want to marry this guy? (Shows a picture of Darth Sidious)**

**Kairi: Ah. I get your point.**

**Usagi: so please review, then I will feel more loved, then I will write more, then the next chapter will come sooner.**


	3. Part IV: Making Plans

**Usagi: Well here's some good news for all of you! 1. There'll be a new Kindom Hearts Game for PSP called Birth by Sleep. 2. There will be a new Kingdom Hearts Game for DS called 358/2 days. 3. Heart Wars has been updated. Which introduces the almighty Emperor Riku! He's not supposed to be appearing yet…but who gives a damn? **

**And yeah, Roxas' money-quote in the last chapter is from Yu-Gi-Oh the Abdridged series. If you haven't seen that yet, go see it darnit! Even if you don't like Yu-Gi-Oh. It's on the internet…can't add a link so… google it. Some episodes may still be on YouTube.**

**This chapter introduces:  
Xigbar as Random Rebel leader nr 2.  
Saïx as random rebel nr 7.  
Xaldin as Random Rebel nr 3.  
Luxord as Random Rebel nr 10.  
Riku as Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidous/Bob.  
A Shadow as Riku's pet (doesn't exist in the movie but who gives a damn? He was introduced in Kindom Dorks.)  
And mentions Vexen, Zexion and Lexaeus as Random rebels nr 4. 6 and 5 who died at Castle Oblivion)**

* * *

**Chapter III**

**Making Plans**

* * *

Happy about the loss of Xemnas (and Axel was happy about loosing Larxene for reasons he refused to explain) the MFR flew towards the Organization's HQ, The World that Never Was.

"Say, anyone else find it funny how the Empire never guessed that our HQ is the same place it has always been?" Axel asked.

"Nah. They probably thought it was too obvious" Roxas replied.

Eventually the ship found its way to the world that never was, which was extremely hard since it was a huge castle about 4 times the size of all the other worlds around it…

They crashed onto the castle, and quickly ran inside with the plans.

Under they way they crashed into Saïx.

"Wo, what's the hurry?" he asked. "And more importantly: where's the Superior?"

"Uh, he died" Roxas said.

Saïx stared at them. "He what?"

"Larxene, Marluxia, Vexen, Lexaeus and Zexion are most likely dead too. The entire Castle Oblivion blew up" Axel said.

"It did??" Saïx said. "What happened?"

"The Death Star happened" Roxas said.

"I am so going to kill them" Saïx said, pulled out his claymore and ran out of the castle.

"Aren't you going to stop him before he hurts himself?" Namine asked.

The boys gazed at each other. "Nah" they all said in unison and left.

They walked trhough the hallway, noticing that with the superior dead and the second-in-command out going berserk they didn't know who to talk to about the plans.

They didn't have to worry for too long, cause pretty soon the Organization nr II appeared.

"Yo dudes. What are you doing?" Xigbar asked.

"We just got back from the death star to rescue Namine, and guess what; we've got plans on how to destroy the death star!" Roxas said.

"Really? That's awesome! I'll go alert the others" Xigbar said and ran of.

Ten minutes later the remaining Organization members (minus Saïx) were all gathered in the meeting room.

"These guys have gotten plans on how to destroy the death star" Xigbar said to Xaldin and Luxord, whom he had realised were the only ones left.

"Would you mind sharing it with the class?" Xaldin asked.

"Oh right… can I have it please?" Xigbar said and took the note from Roxas. "K dudes… lets see what we need: A death star to destroy. Check. And X-wing. Well gummi ships should work as well. Rebel friends." Xigbar looked around at the others. Axel was trying to set the table on fire, Demyx was putting said fire out, Xaldin and Luxord were playing cards, Tinkerbell was beating up Roxas who obviously had called her pixie again, Tron was eagerly taking notes of everything Xigbar said and Namine was sleeping. "Maybe we should recruit some more… A ghost…" He looked up and saw the ghost of Xemnas sitting at the table, waving at him, Xigbar waved back. "Check. Experience in killing Wamp rats…"

"What the heck is a wamprat?" Roxas said as he held Tinkerbel on a safe distance with the Oblivion Keyblade.

"I dunno. Sounds like an animal of some kind…well most of you are used to killing heartless that are acting up so that shouldn't be too much of a problem" Xigbar finished. "So, ready your battle stations lads."

"Shouldn't we read the rest of the instructions?" Tron asked.

"As if! We've all seen Star Wars haven't we? Just shoot the exhaust port, duh" Xigbar said shrugging.

"But don't you think Sora and Riku have seen that movie to and removed this flaw?" Roxas asked.

"As if…"

"Seriously, stop saying that" Roxas said. "It's just as annoying when Axel does it."

"What? I never do anything like that! Got it memorized?" Axel said.

"They so sent the wrong guy to this mission" Demyx said, slamming his head into the table.

"Well hopefully we won't need these plans anyway. As there's no way those drunkards are going to find us here" Xigbar said and threw the plans into Trixi's litter box…They did not have a trash can so that's where most of the organization's trash ended up.

IX--Xoraidepolcycnu—IX

But the "drunkards" as Xigbar referred to them as, seemed to have sobered up a little.

At least enough for Riku to come up with the brilliant strategy of putting a tracking device on the MFR.

"So you thought we were idiots did you? Well WE'LL SEE WHO THE IDIOTS ARE NOW IDIOTS!" Riku yelled at the monitors that showed the MFR's position.

"Who are you talking to boss?" Max asked.

"Er.. no one" Riku said, looking slightly embarrassed when he remembered he wasn't alone in the room.

He had gathered all of his closest minions in the monitor room, which meant Sora, Sam and Max plus his pet heartless, whom he had named Roxas, mostly to annoy the original Roxas as the shadow-heartless was the stupidest thing ever (according to him at least).

"So ehm… It appears the enemy's base is positioned here" he said, pointing at the map, which had a pink glowing dot on it (they had stolen the monitors from Marluxia's ship).

"That's the World that Never Was" Sora said.

"I know" said Riku.

"The home world of the nobodies."

"I know".

"And that being said; the place which should have been the first place we should have considered being the Organization's HQ."

"I KNOW!" Riku yelled. "Now are you going to stand here pointing out the obvious or go GET THEM!"

"Aye aye…" Sora said, and ran towards the control room.

"I'm surrounded by idiots" Riku muttered.

Sam, Max and Roxas the shadow backed out of the room as well before any of them said something to contradict the young Emperor-wannabe, which all three (the shadow too, despite it being unable to talk) wanted to.

X—NetrebmunnamorethdnarettelahtobsiX—X

Meanwhile in the World that Never Was, the Organization were finally "ready" for battle…or as ready as they would ever get.

Saïx had returned as he remembered he couldn't fly, and Xigbar had hired/kidnapped Hayner to be their newest employee. He didn't mind. Up until now he had been hiding in his room ever since his friends were turned into heartless, fearing something like that would happen to him to. He felt safer in the nobody-world though.

"Cool! Does that mean I get a cool nickname and add an X to my name?" Hayner asked.

"Only if you let us pull your heart out dude" Xigbar said.

"It won't hurt…for more than a couple of weeks, max" Xaldin said, sharpening one of his spears. "Afterwards you won't feel a thing…ever."

"…You know…perhaps I should just be a spare-Nr 14 or something" Hayner said, backing of slowly.

"Coward. You don't see Axel here chickening ou…Axel where are you going?" Xigbar asked, and looked around to Axel and Demyx, who were packing the gummi ship full of clothes.

"We're chickening out, got it memorized? See you later, got it memorized?" Axel asked, and took of, leaving the rest of the Organization+Hayner, Roxas' prinnies and his cat (in a wheel chair) gazing after him.

"You know… I would have expected that from Demyx, but why did nr VIII leave?" Saïx asked.

"Meh, probably just his way of being dramatic and then return later and save our asses at the last minute or something" Roxas said.

"Whatever. It's not like we're really under attack or anything" Xigbar said.

Suddenly a dusk randomly appeared.

"The death star is approaching! It's just behind Twilight Town" it yelled.

"F" Xigbar said.

"Can the dusks talk?" Roxas said.

"Yes we can. We just haven't done it before because we don't like you" the dusk said and disappeared.

Roxas gazed at the spot where the dusk had been, before turning to a samurai-nobody standing behind him.

"You like me right?" he asked.

The samurai gazed at him, burst into laughter and then portalled away.

"O…k? Remind me to fire that guy later" Roxas said to one of the prinnies.

XI—niarbymdeppordi!evomydobon—XI

Riku appeared in the control room of the death star and was slightly baffled at what he saw.

Sora was steering the death star, nothing odd there, but he did it using a wooden steering wheel that looked like it had been stolen from an old ship. He was also wearing a pirate hat, an eyepatch and had an aerial knocker heartless (the flying heartless from the Pridelands) on his shoulder, which was struggling to sit still as it had boxing gloves on his "feet".

"Yoho, yoho, a pirate's life for me" Sora was singing.

"I know you love pirates but isn't this a tad bit odd?" Riku asked.

"So what? You said I could decorate the control room as I wanted to" Sora said.

"Yes... but making it look like the Black Pearl?" Riku asked.

"You're just jealous" Sora said. "Right Polly?" he asked the aerial knocker, that had now fallen down.

"Whatever. How long before we reach the World that Never Was?" Riku asked.

"Quite some time…I just realised a big round ball may not be the most aerodynamic space ship in the universe" Sora said.

"Darnit! What was that dumbass emperor thinking when he made it this way?" Riku asked.

"Well you're the one that had to copy it" the aerial knocker on the ground said.

Riku stabbed the heartless with his Way to Dawn-keyblade, not bothering to ask how the heck it could talk. Probably the same reason the dusks could talk to Roxas.

"…Polly?" Sora said.

"Oh please, that was the 1928. time that has happened. Just get another one" Riku said, then suddenly his cell phone which was hanging on his belt started ringing.

Both boys stared at the phone then towards the door.

Right on cue, Sam and Max suddenly barged in the door.

"I GOT IT!" Max yelled.

"No! I GOT IT!" said Sam.

Sora and Riku merely gazed at the animals as they once again started their phone war, despite the fact it wasn't even their phone ringing.

Sam picked up a cannonball just laying around (yes, Sora had decorated the room with cannons to, despite the fact that they were useless indoors) and threw it the rabbit.

But Max was too quick, and jumped out of the way and seemed to be winning the race.

Then however, Riku suddenly pulled out the Way to Dawn and slammed the flat-side into Max, slamming him into the wall. The rabbit was knocked out cold, one down.

Sam didn't seem too worried about his friend's defeat, and dived for Riku's phone, in order to avoid WTD.

Riku jumped out of the way of the dog, but tripped on the cannonball that Sam had thrown earlier, in the process the phone fell of his belt and rolled over the floor.

Sam got to his feet quickly and within short he had grabbed the phone.

He was just about to press "reply" when he felt something hard hit his feet.

"Darn cannonball!" he said as he fell backwards, dropping the phone.

Riku bounced up, grabbed the phone before it hit the ground and looked at it.

"Huh…they hung up…funny" he said.

"Okay I admit, you are good at this" Sam said.

"That's why I'm the Emperor, not you" Riku said and put the phone back on his belt. "I just wished people would be more patient when calling me."

"Well seeing as you're battling a giant dog and a rapid bunny every time your phone rings, don't you think that is a little useless?" Sora asked.

"Well they started it" Riku said and pointed to Sam who was trying to wake Max up, the bunny was mumbling something that sounded like "Everyone is Maxified".

"So why don't you just take the phone the moment it starts ringing?" Sora asked.

Riku glared at him, picked up his phone and dialled a number. Just then Sora's phone started ringing.

"I GOT IT!" Max yelled, suddenly wide awake.

"Oh…crap" Sora said.

"Because it's so much more fun this way" Riku said, smirking.

* * *

**Usagi: seeing how far I've gotten in these past few days it appears the first/fourth part of HW may get very short… The good part is; there's three parts, ironically named IV, V and VI, after the movies (which also came before I, II, and III. What was George Lucas thinking??) **

**So I got some practice for fighting scenes in this chapter too. During a struck of inspiration today I figured I had to add Sam and Max's phone war (which happens every single time the phone rings, even in their own series) with Riku as the winner. Please tell me what you think about the battle scene, I do far too few of those… and I NEED the practice, otherwise Lost in Darkness is going to get very boring… and… (Chocobo Racing starts playing) oh, phone?**

**Max: I GOT IT!**

**Sam: I GOT IT!**

**Usagi: gee…..please review people. **


	4. Part IV: Not exactly an ordinary shadow

**Usagi: Here we are again, with another gruelling exiting chapter of Heart Wars, which happens to be the last chapter of Heart Wars Episode four/one. **

**Zakura: which coincidentally has 4 chapters.**

**Usagi: could have been 3. Hadn't the Organization been so darn slow at getting ready for battle. **

**In this chapter, Riku introduces a new secret weapon. Credit for the secret weapon goes to Rilaveke, he made it up. **

**This chapter introduces:**

**A not exactly ordinary shadow as a not exactly existing character. (From the Fanfictional Story by Rilaveke)**

**Hayner as Biggs (Luke's friend) was introduced in the last chapter I just forgot to mention. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter IV**

**Not Exactly an Ordinary Shadow**

* * *

While the "evil" empire was messing around with the death star's many phones (Riku was experimenting on what could happen if he called all 1243 at once, (because the death star has 1243 phones, although there are only 4 people there to answer them) which basically resulted in Sam and Max trying to clone themselves in order to try an answer them all), the organization was readying their ships.

"Got any twos?"

"Prepare to loose another one of your precious gummis dreadlock-boy".

"Guys? Are you supposed to be playing cards all day?"

Luxord and Xaldin gazed at Roxas.

"Yes" they said at last.

"Oh gawd! Xigbar, please say something to them!" Roxas said.

"Not now XIII, I'm almost winning!" Xigbar said, looking down at his PSP. "Man, I sure am glad Square sent us these new unreleased games. Birth By Sleep ROCKS!"

However the trio's games were interrupted when by the sound of a gunshot, everyone looked up at Saïx and Namine who had stolen one of Xigbar's guns.

"Look at you people! Pathetic little nobodies wasting time playing games! What would the superior say if he saw you like this?" Saïx asked.

"Do you have any fours?" Xemnas' ghost asked Luxord and Xaldin.

"You guys surely are pathetic" Namine sighed. "The Death Star blew up Castle Oblivion, killing 4 of the organization's members and may well be on its way here as we speak and all you do is play games… or snooze".

"No more sea salt ice cream now please" Hayner mumbled in his sleep, before Namine kicked him of the couch.

"Guys, don't you realise we are in the middle of an intergalactic war here? Do you WANT the empire to end your pathetic empty lives?" Namine asked.

"No" the nobodies+Hayner admitted.

"Are you going to let them destroy this whole world as they did with Castle Oblivion?" Namine asked.

"No" the nobodies said. "Frankly I don't care about this shit-hole" Hayner said and received death-glares for the rest.

"So you're gonna go out there and blast that evil orb of terror to millions of little SDW-Death Star-pieces?" Namine said enthusiastically.

"Er…well, that is a little short notice, and its very big and probably has a massive defence system, perhaps we should just give up and start over someplace else" Luxord, Xigbar and Xaldin said, all at the same time…

"I told you that pep-talk wouldn't get you anywhere" Saïx said.

"Well I'd like to see you do better" Namine said.

"Watch me" Saïx said. He took Xigbar's gun from Namine and shot Xemnas' cards (shooting straight trhough the ghost). "LISTEN UP YOU LITTLE SISSIES! THE WORLD THAT NEVER WAS IS 10 MINUTES AWAY FROM FADING BACK INTO THE DARK DEPTHS IN WHICH IT CAME FROM AND YOU GUYS ARE NOT GOING TO SIT AROUND AND WATCH OR PLAYING YOUR LITTLE SILLY GAMES or snoozing ("I'm awake now" Hayner commented), YOU ARE GOING TO FIGHT! SO GET YOUR GUMMI SHIPS READY BEFORE I'LL GO BERSERK ON ALL OF YOU!"

The other nobodies (including Namine) and Hayner just stared at him in shock.

"K" they all said and ran to their posts, Namine stayed though, still staring at the Lunar Diviner.

"THAT'S how you convince Organization XIII to actually do something" he said, blowing of the smoke of Xigbar's gun before going to return it, he would need that later.

XII—reveniallivtsrowehtsiaros—XII

Meanwhile the death star was getting even closer to the World that Never Was.

Riku was staring out the window waiting for the world to come into view so he could blast it to pieces; Sora was staring at the remnants of his phone, Sam and Max were lying on the floor, exhausted.

"You owe me a new cell phone" he said.

"Take it up with Max, he's the one who tore it apart" Riku said.

"That is why I (pant) never let him answer the phone" Sam said.

"Let this be a lesson kid, next time, don't buy Nokia" Max said.

"It was a Samsung" Sora said.

"Well in that case, buy Nokia next time. They're more solid" Max said.

"Why the heck did you hire those two?" Sora said.

"They were the only ones who answered the ad" Riku said. "Well them and Sephiroth, but I don't think you'd want him on the team and all that talk of his mother was driving me insane. Yeah, and this guy" he added, pointing to a shadow sitting on the floor.

"Isn't that your pet shadow Roxy-kun?" Sora asked.

"No no, silly. Don't tell me you can't even tell the shadows apart, duh!" Riku said.

Sora gazed at him. He was right though, despite having been turned into a shadow himself in KH1 and Usagi's other fanfic LiD, he really didn't see a single difference in the shadow heartless.

"So…what makes that shadow so much different from the rest?" Sora said.

"Oh he's got qualities. I'll show you later" Riku said, and continued to stare out the window.

XIII—rebmunykculnunatonsineetriht—XIII

Not knowing anything about Riku's "secret weapon" (which according to Sora was nothing but an ordinary shadow) the organization had finally finished readying their gummi ships.

Hayner wasn't too pleased with his though.

"Sorry Extra nr XIV, but at such short notice I'm afraid you'll have to take Zexion's ship" Xigbar said.

"Why does it only have half a window?" Hayner asked.

"No idea. Zexion seems to like the idea of only having half vision for some reason" Xigbar said, looking up into the air.

_Random flashback for no reason._

"_DUDE! What the heck happened to your eye? You look like a total looser" a young silver-haired boy said._

"_Shows how much you know, Ienzo. But don't you know having only vision on one eye is actually considered the coolest thing ever on most worlds" his older friend said._

"_Really Braig? Is that true?" Ienzo asked._

"_Yup. You should definitely try it sometime" Braig said._

_Flashback over._

"So it's totally not my fault" Xigbar said.

"I never said it was" Hayner said. "I just think it looks ridiculous. Who'd wanna walk around having only half a vision field all day?"

"Get in the gummi ship" Xigbar said.

"Fine then" Hayner said. "But I don't get why I couldn't take Vexen or Lexaus' gummi ships instead".

"Because Vexen's spilled some suspicious chemicals in it so we burned it and Lexaeus' is so huge we can't get it out of the garage" Xigbar explained, before going back to his own ship.

All organization members had their own gummi ship at the world that never was, because of their ability to make dark portals however they were rarely used.

Xigbar's gummi ship was black with grey stripes all over, and had gigantic cannons, similar to his own guns.

Xaldin's was blue with little white clouds on it…yes, many of the organization members used to laugh at that one, but he would usually return with that it didn't look as crazy as Marluxia's "Pinky" which was ALL pink. Including everything inside it. However the crew drew the line when he tried painting all the dusks working in it and demanded Namine would switch out her white dress with a pink one.

Hayner was as mentioned, using Zexion's old gummi ship, which was all black, and half of the front window was covered in black paint.

Saïx gummi ship was yellow, and had lots of burnt marks on it, proving it had been used a lot in battle.

Luxord's ship was white with cards for wings.

Roxas was using a ship that looked quite much like Sora's "Highwind", only with brighter colours.

"Get ready people! Let's go blast that death star to pieces!" Xigbar said, from his open top-window.

The gummi ships blasted of into space, just as the death star started coming into view, just behind Disney Castle.

"Okay guys, there it is. Time to attack this thing…man its cold out here" Xigbar said. Yes, he still had the window open.

"Don't worry people; I can take care of this!" Hayner said and zoomed towards the giant iron ball of doom. "I've seen Star Wars Episode IV like a billion times and know the death star by heart."

"Fine just rub it in" Xigbar said, looking obviously offended by the mere mentioning of the word "heart".

He drove the gummi ship closer to the death star, as several of the others took care of the flying heartless that emerged to stop him and soon they got to the exhaust port.

"This is too eas…huh?" Hayner said, as he spotted something sitting in front of the exhaust port.

He stopped the ship to see what it was, it was a shadow, might be the same one Riku showed Sora earlier but who knows? They're all the same anyway.

"THIS is their last defence? A puny shadow?" Hayner said, and fell over laughing in his seat.

However his laughter stopped as the shadow suddenly opened its mouth and yelled "IMMA CHARGING UP MAH LAZARZ!"

Hayner stopped laughing, the nobodies stopped too.

"Did that shadow just talk?" Roxas asked.

"IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZARZ!" the shadow yelled, suddenly shooting out a massive laser beam from his eyes, frying Hayner and Zexion's old gummi ship, so nothing but dust was left behind.

"W…T…F?" Roxas said.

"Watch your mouth XIII" Xigbar said, but he too was staring at the heartless in shock.

A hatch opened next to the shadow, and Riku climbed out of it. Yeah, he had placed a whole bunch of hatches all over the death star for no reason only so he could come out and brag every now and then.

"Hah! You see now why I am so unbeatable? I came across this little guy in another fanfic and figured I had to have him on my team. Luckily he was willing to join my team just as long as he could shoot random people with his awesome Shoop Da Woop Laser!" he said.

"That shadow has a SDW-laser in his eyes?" Xigbar asked in disbelief.

"Yes, don't ask me how, I was shocked too" Riku said. "But it works, and that's good enough for me!"

"IMMAH REALLY SUPAH!" The shadow yelled.

"Yes you sure are little guy" Riku said, petting the shadow.

"AND YOU AR NOT!" the shadow yelled again.

"Yes rea…hey!" Riku said. "You're lucky you're the most super-special-awesome shadow ever or I'd throw you into a nearby supernova".

From another hatch however, his pet heartless Roxy-kun glared at the newcomer, with an enormous hint of jealousy in his eyes.

"But enough about that, time to blast some nobody-buts!" Riku said, and the shadow by his side fired a laser beam at Xaldin's gummi ship, which quickly blew up.

"Oh great! Now we've got to kidnap two new members to avoid being outnumbered!" Xigbar said.

"Yes, you do that, unless I blast all your ships to pieces first" Riku said.

"Not if I blast YOUR ship to pieces!" said a new voice.

Everyone standing on top of the Death Star (and flying above) looked up to she the Millennium Falcon Replica zoom towards them, Axel sitting on top (window open…it's a wonder he and Xigbar hasn't suffocated yet…) cheering like mad. Demyx was hidden under his seat.

"I knew it" Roxas muttered.

MFR shot a laserbeam towards the enemies, nearly missing the SDW-shadow by an inch (he would have hit hadn't Riku picked him out of the way).

"Watch where you're pointing that thing! You might shot someone's eye out" Riku yelled at Axel.

"Oh I'll be shooting at more than just eyes, got it memorized?" Axel said.

As Riku and Axel were arguing about trivial stuff mortal enemies wouldn't naturally be expected to argue about, Roxas noticed something important.

Now that Riku had snatched the extraordinary shadow out of the way, the route to the exhaust port was now clear (well except for the tape Sora had put over it).

Roxas decided to take a chance, and shot the exhaust port.

The laser from his gummi ship hit bullseye, something even Riku noticed, and the Death Star soon started grumbling.

"Uh-oh" Riku said.

"SHE'S GONNA BLOW!" the shadow yelled.

Another gummi ship, this time Sora's Highwind, appeared out of another hatch, Sora opened the top window, Sam, Max and Roxy-kun the heartless were with him.

"Riku! You've got to get out of there!" Sora yelled.

"What? Shall I just leave the most super-awesome death star ever created to its own destiny?" Riku said.

"Well as the shadow said, she's gonna blow up and there's no stopping it once a missile has found its way into the exhaust port. The inner parts of the machinery have already started burning and soo…" Sora said but was cut of as Riku threw the abnormal shadow on his face ("Mah saviour" the shadow said) and Riku jumped in after him, landing on Roxy-kun.

"You may have one this round, lousy nobodies, but I WILL BE BACK!" he yelled back at the organization as the Highwind disappeared.

The nobodies started cheering. Then the death star blew up, throwing all the gummi ships into different directions.

"That was nasty. Let's never stay close to a broken death star ever again" Xigbar said into the two-way radio.

His co-rebels agreed.

* * *

**Usagi: And so the SDW-Death Star blew to smithereens. But will that stop the Organization XIII's worries?**

**Not likely. Actual answer to that question will come in the next instalment of Heart Wars: Episode V: The Keybladers Strike Back. Which will still be uploaded right here...as I figured it was too troublesome creating a new fanfic after only 4 chapters...  
**

**Please review!**


	5. Part V: Backup Plans

**Usagi: here we are again! With a brand new fanfic…within a fanfic…because it was too tedious making another one when the first was only 4 chapters long…**

**Zakura: Things haven't been going good for our heroes, whether you mean the ones who are the heroes here or the one's who are SUPPOSED to be heroes.**

**Usagi: The Organization XIII has been forced to leave their home in fear of the empire returning and Riku has lost his bellowed death star.**

**Riku: (sobs) she was so young…**

**Sora: I thought we specifically agreed it was a "he"**

**Riku: don't make me call you again.**

**Sora: …**

**Usagi: Enough of that. ENJOY!**

**HEART WARS V**

**The Keybladers Strikes Back.**

**Chapter I**

**Backup-plans**

It was a cold and stormy day…it usually was up in the mountains of the Land of Dragons, except when it was night, then it was obviously bright and sunny….no.

The Organization XIII had moved there since they figured the World that Never Was, was a lousy hiding place, besides the Castle that Never Was had been overrun by rats somehow…and hamsters…and mice…and gerbils…

"Well how was I supposed to know they bred so fast?" Demyx asked as the remaining nobodies landed. "Besides we never had a problem with them before".

"That was before Roxas' cat got overrun by the Death Star and became unable to hunt them" Xigbar said.

"Trixi ate my rodents?" Demyx asked, tears running from his eyes.

"Knock it of. You don't have feelings you moron" Xigbar said.

"Oh good. Cause if I did I would be very pissed at Roxas' cat right now" Demyx said.

"You guys are just being silly. I'm gonna go explore the area" Roxas said.

"Okay, I've got some chocobos here that we just randomly found, you can ride them" Xigbar said, presenting to Roxas a gigantic bird.

"Don't we have scooters or anything? I mean we have ships that can travel trhough space but when I want to explore the area I have to ride a dumb bird?" Roxas asked.

Xigbar stared at the bird, then at Roxas, then at Namine who gazed at him, obviously agreeing with Roxas that it was silly.

"Well. With Xemnas gone I am the boss around here so RIDE THAT CHOCOBO NOW!" Xigbar yelled so loudly Xemnas' ghost spilled his tea.

"Sigh. Fine" Roxas said and got on the bird, before running of into the distance.

Axel appeared behind Xigbar, gazing after his friend.

"Say…is that bird tame?" he asked.

"DAMNIT! I knew I forgot something" Xigbar said.

Meanwhile in a galaxy far far away….Twilight Town, someone important was having an important meeting.

"KNOCK IT OF! THAT'S MY PHONE!" Squall yelled as Sam handed him the cell phone.

"It's for you" the dog said.

"Of course it is you moron" Squall hissed and took the phone.

"Amateur" Riku muttered from the other side of the table.

"Why the heck did you hire such losers" Squall replied, and lifted the phone to his ear. "Hello? Yes, is it ready yet?"

Riku waited patiently for Squall to finish his conversation…while pushing some buttons on his own phone, soon the sound of a phone ringing was heard, followed by Sam and Max arguing and Yuffie screaming.

Riku chuckled as Squall hung up the phone.

"Well it appears it's not quite finished yet, we need to install a new weapon system and of course, a collection of Pokèmon-cards" the older man said.

"No star commander can be without Pokèmon-cards" Riku agreed, reading out loud from a piece of paper, printed on his school's paper (said school had mysteriously blown up somewhere between the Prologue and chapter 1 of Part IV).

"However I'm kind of in doubt of letting you borrow it if you keep doing that" Squall warned him.

"Doing what?" Riku asked, looking up from his phone as behind him, Aerith was attacked by Max.

"That" Squall said, pointing to his fallen comrade. "Calling people and have your associates attack them".

"Oh sorry, I have told them to stop but they won't listen" Riku said.

"YOU ASKAD THEM TO DO IT!" said the little shadow by his feet, Riku glared at him.

"A talking heartless?" Squall said.

"Oh it does more than that. But fine, I won't call any of your associates again" Riku said and packed his cell phone away.

Soon after however a beep was heard, and a boom.

"YOU LEAVE MY PHONE ALONE YOU LITTLE RASCALS!" Cid yelled, pointing his Cid-Cannon at Sam and Max who looked slightly surprised…but remarkably unharmed.

Squall glared at Riku.

"What? I sent him and SMS" Riku said.

"Sorry. The deal's off" Squall said, turning his back on Riku.

"But… You can't do that!" Sora yelled.

"Were you here all the time?" Squall asked.

"Yes. The author just forgot to give me any lines. Damn you Usagi!" Sora yelled.

"She likes me best that's all" Riku shrugged. "Except when you're a shadow. But then you're rarely talking".

"Still…You've got to let us have it Leon, don't you remember all the things we did for you in Traverse Town?" Sora said.

"You mean get beaten up and crash-landing asking us to fix your gummi ship?" Squall asked.

"…Well yeah, but there has to be something we can do" Sora begged.

"Actually…there is one thing" Squall said, pulling his non-existing beard.

Back with our heroes…villains…rather unsure about that really… Roxas had gotten into trouble.

First his chocobo threw him of and ran away into the distance, then he got captured by a dragon but managed to escape, but now he had gotten lost and was lying cold and alone in the snow.

Xemnas' ghost appeared in front of him.

"Superior! Help! I'm freezing to death!" Roxas yelled.

"XIII. You must go to Radiant Garden" Xemnas said, and then he faded away.

Roxas gazed at where he was just standing.

"WELL THANKS A LOT MORON!" he yelled.

Meanwhile back at the HQ…which was a snow-cave dug by the prinnies and lesser nobodies.

"Master Roxas has been away for quite some time. Think he's got into problems?" Tron asked.

Tinkerbell made some noises in return.

"What do you mean I hope so?" Tron asked.

"Shouldn't someone go out to look for him?" Namine asked.

"What? In that cold? Now I wished we had Vexen here. His element was ice…and look, Demyx has frozen" Xigbar said, and pointed to Nr IX who had in fact frozen in position.

"I will go save him! He is my best friend after all. Who goes with me?" Axel said.

"As if".

"I'm busy".

"…"

"I'm busy playing Poker".

"I'll draw a picture of it".

"I'm sure Roxas will appreciate your concern Namine. Come on chocolate-birds" Axel said and pulled one of the chocobos after him.

Axel soon realised the birds were very cooperative when you told them you liked roasted chocobos, and he soon found his friend, unconscious and cold in the snow.

"Oh gee…. I better make a bonfire…but there's nothing to burn" Axel said, looking around, his eyes set on the chocobo.

The bird gazed at him, then panicked, but didn't get far before it spontaneously combusted.

"Bonfire ready. I'm sure the other nobodies will come looking for us in the morning, at least now we got some heat" Axel said, and carried his best friend towards the "bonfire".

**Usagi: what is it Riku needs from Squall Leonheart? Will he ever stop calling people only to watch Sam and Max attack them? Will he ever get tired of the heartless making fun of him? Will Demyx ever be able to move again? And most of all: will Axel and Roxas be rescued from an icy grave?**

**Review! And keep an eye out for the next exiting/ridiculous instalment of Heart Wars V: The Keybladers Strike Back!**


	6. Part V: Escape from DragonLand

**Usagi: Hello everyone! I am back and…sniff…ATCHOO!**

**Zakura: …geez. Cover up your mouth when you do that.**

**Rabbit the Laptop: or turn away from the screen!**

**Usagi: is my laptop talking or am I sicker than I thought?**

**Sora: You are just plain sick. Do you realize you're having conversations and even arguments with your pets, fictional characters and your laptop which you ACTUALLY named "Rabbit"**

**Usagi: so I like rabbits, sue me. Here's chapter 2:**

* * *

**Chapter 2**

**Escape from Dragon-Land**

* * *

"Blasted chocolate-birds. I am never trying to ride a wild animal again".

"You said that the last time too about those unicorns".

"But this time I mean it".

"Riiiight."  
Xigbar and Namine had finally gotten of their lazy asses and gone out to search for Axel and Roxas in Xigbar's gummi ship, he still had the window open, but Namine had given up complaining about the cold and was now wearing a thick jacket and Xigbar's cloak. Xigbar was too "cool" to care about the freezing cold (despite the fact Namine had stolen his cloak), where he was sitting wearing nothing but a t-shirt and a pair of pants.

Finding their lost comrades wasn't too hard. They just followed the smell of burning flesh until they found a pile of burning chocobos, and two nobodies sitting next to them, watching TV…where did the TV come from? Use your imagination….Roxas brought it along…yes…That is correct… he never leaves home without a TV. Who does?

"Took your time didn't you?" Axel said. "We've been out here for 5 minutes!"

"Well you've already had time to drive the chocobos to extinction I see" Namine said.

"No no, don't worries. We left one male and one female" Axel said, and pointed to two random chocobos standing in the background.

"How could you tell they were male and female?" Namine asked.

Axel lifted his finger into the air as to say something…but then closed his mouth again and looked like he was in deep thought for a few minutes.

"Ah, it doesn't matter, they would have frozen to death anyway, come on" Roxas said and started packing up his TV.

As they got back, Luxord was listening to a radio.

"Xigbar, we're getting in strange signals" he said, handing the headset to Xigbar.

"Hm.. strange dude. It's not a code I'm familiar with, perhaps this place is haunted" he said.

"Gee you don't say" Roxas said, and gazed at Xemnas' ghost who was standing right next to them.

"Think the empire may have sent out spy-droids?" Namine said.

Everyone else gazed at her.

"Nah" they said.

--

In a gummi ship, some 1287 kilometres away, Max zoomed in the door to bridge as if there was a phone ringing somewhere (cause there is a bridge on the Highwind….)

"We've found them sir! They're in the Land of Dragons, can we blast it to pieces?" the rabbit asked.

"Max, the SDW-Death Star is destroyed, remember? Besides we made a deal with Leon, if we blast the planet to bits how will we be sure our target was destroyed and didn't sneak of somewhere?" Sora asked.

"Oh I'm sure the Highwind can do the job if we shoot the planet often enough" Max replied.

Sora just gazed at him for a second, and then he pulled out his brand new Sony Ericson phone.

"We've got them."

---

"Got any threes?"

"Damn it Luxord!"

"I have this strange feeling of déjà vu" Namine said as she gazed on Luxord, Xigbar and Xemnas, who were playing cards again.

"Want me to scare them?" Saïx whispered to her.

"Please do" Namine said.

Saïx cleared his throat, and then he yelled "THE KEYBLADERS STRIKE BACK!"

The card-players jumped 5 feet up into the air, except for Xemnas who flew trhough the roof because he was a ghost, and therefore not solid.

"What gives? How can you tell?" Xigbar asked.

"Well first of that is the title of this fanfic and second of all, all the heartless on the outside were a big clue" Saïx said.

Luxord gazed out of the window…because the snow cave had a window… Now no one dares to threaten the believability of this fanfic.

"Blimey old chap, he's right" he said.

"Stop being so god-damn British and let's go waste those suckers!" Xigbar said and ran to his ship. "Everyone! To the battle stations!"

Just as the nobodies took of in their gummi ships, the heartless stormed the snow-cave, killing 4 dusks and a prinny.

Axel had dragged Namine and Tron along on the MFR, which was having a few problems taking of because its left wing was shot of… in fact it was somewhat of a miracle it DID take of.

Tinkerbell was on Roxas' gummi ship, because she had been napping there when the heartless attacked.

Once MFR was finally out of the planet's atmosphere they were attacked by several flying heartless.

"Well this sucks" Axel said. "Demyx let go of me!"

"Er…Axel?" Tron said.

"Not now Tron! We've got to get away from here" Axel said.

"But…"

"Shut up you stupid virus! I've got to turn on hyperspeed" Axel said and pushed a button which said "Really fickin fast".

Nothing happened.

"Why isn't it working?" Namine said.

"I tried to tell you, the hyperdrive is malfunctioning" Tron said.

"Why didn't you say so before? LET GO DEMYX!" Axel yelled and shook Demyx of his arm.

Tron turned around, looking awfully offended.

"Now what? Do we stay and fight?" Namine asked.

"Are you nuts? We'll hide in that asteroid field over there" Axel said.

"Well…as long as you don't get us eaten by a giant monster" Namine said.

"Oh come on, have some faith in me" Axel said as he drove them into a crater. "We'll hide here".

"Sir, I don't think this asteroid is entirely stable" Tron said. "I think we may have flown into the mouth of a giant snake."  
"You need to clean up your hard-drive Tron, and fix the hyperdrive" Axel said and pushed Tron out in the back of the ship.

--

Meanwhile aboard the Highwind.

"…and now we lost them" Sam said as he looked on the radar-screen.

"Have I ever told any of you that you are morons? Cause you are. Big morons" Riku said to his associates.

"IDIOTS!" the heartless said.

"It's too dangerous to go into that asteroid field, seven heartless flew in there, only one returned" Sora said, and pushed Roxy-kun the shadow into Riku's hands.

Riku glared at his pet. "Wimp, what did you need to come back for?" he said, and dropped the sad shadow on the floor. The other heartless was laughing his ass of.

"And your nobody has been causing enough trouble as well" Riku added to Sora.

"Roxas? What the heck has he done other than complain ever since this fic started?" Sora said. "In fact he fails as a hero".

"YOU FAIL AS A VILLAIN!" the SDW-shadow yelled. Sora glared at him.

"Well I have to say I agree with him there" Riku said.

"Oh I'll show you! I'll just go get Donald and Goofy then…"

"Goofy's dead. Axel barbequed in chapter 2" Riku said.

"Oh…then I'll go get Donald, and I WILL capture that guy! Mark my words!" Sora said and left the room.

"What a looser" Max said.

"You crack me up little buddy" Sam said.

"I hate you all" Riku said.

* * *

**Usagi: Riku sure is grumpy today isn't he?**

**Sora: of course he is, the organization blew up his favourite toy.**

**Riku: IT WAS NOT A TOY! (Goes back to sobbing in the corner.)**

**Usagi: right… but you do realise you're crying over a giant chunk of metal?**

**Riku: A giant chunk of metal WITH A SHOOP DA WOOP LASER INSIDE!**

**Shadow: SHOOP DA WOOP!**

**Usagi: can't you just make a second one? I mean…you DID make the first one during recess at your school didn't you?**

**Sora: two recesses.**

**Riku: and math-class.**

**Sora: and we stayed behind at school for 5 minutes for the finishing touches.**

**Riku: unfortunately…Roxy-kun ate the instructions (shows a torn paper)**

**Roxy-kun: (whistles innocently).**

**Usagi: that explains it……**

**Well hope you liked this chapter. Please review and tell me what you think. **


	7. Part V: Ansem the Weird

**Usagi: Hi everyone! Did you miss me?**

**Sam and Max: WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG!**

**Sam: I really miss answering the phone.**

**Max: I miss blowing random planets to oblivion.**

**Riku: bad news guys…the death star is still broken.**

**Max: who said anything about death stars? Can't your not-quite-ordinary shadow do the job?**

**Usagi: er…right…sorry about the long wait people. But eh…here it is, finally, chapter 3:**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

**Ansem the Weird**

* * *

Roxas had no idea what his friends were doing, he had randomly decided to crash land at Radiant Garden, cause Xemnas kept telling him to do so (saying "please please please please please" into his ear until he finally turned the gummi ship around just to shut him up).

Of course…the crashing part wasn't something he planned on doing.

"This is all your fault" he said to the ghost.

"It's not my fault you refused to take "Driving-whilst-an-annoying-ghost-is-nagging-in-your-ear-class" back at the World that Never Was" Xemnas said.

"I could never really imagine I would ever need such a class…" Roxas said.

"Never forget our motto, "Be Prepeared". That means be prepared for absolutely everything, like fighting the empire with an army made out of moogles, getting transported into a strange parallel universe were all males are gay and all females utterly bitchy, or your worst enemy suddenly turning out to be your father or something".

"Aw come on, how often does THAT happen?"

"More often than you know…."

"Well luckily for me, Sora and I are the same age, Riku is one year older but he still can't become a father so early so that's out of the question."

"But still, you'll need to find Ansem the Weird".

"Where am I going to fi…" Roxas started but suddenly he noticed Xemnas was gone. "He's always here if someone needs to play cards or just saying random stuff but where is he when I actually need some HELP?!"

He turned around to go back to the gummi ship, when he saw a guy standing next to it, eating his ice cream.

"Hey! That's mine!" Roxas said.

"How do you get so big by eating such food? Yuck!" the stranger said and threw Roxas' sea salt ice cream into the mud.

Roxas stared at the man who was far taller than he was like he had just blown up Kingdom Hearts or something, as the stranger pulled out another identical ice cream from his pocket and started eating that instead.

"So…are you lost or something?" the stranger asked.

"Er…Actually I was just looking for a guy named Ansem the Weird" Roxas said. "Do you know him?"  
The stranger nearly choked on his ice cream. "No…but I do know Ansem the WISE" he said. "Very smart man? Good looking? Pretty hair? Extremely popular among the girls?"

"I don't know, never met him, a ghost just told me to come here" Roxas said.

"Ah. I get it. That happens all the time" said the stranger. "But fine, I'll take you to Ansem the Handsome Wise Casanova. Follow me, and let's pretend the ground is lava."

The stranger started jumping on stones, bikes and random pedestrians as he disappeared into the streets.

Roxas only gazed after him, but followed, walking normally.

After a while they finally got to the stranger's house, by that time the stranger had ran out of things to stand on and fell to the ground, when Roxas arrived he was twirling around on the ground screaming words like "I'M MELTING!", "HEEEEELP" and "MY PRECIOUS!" (last one directed at a random plastic ring that had fallen out of his picket).

Roxas only sighed, and pulled him into his house.

Inside, the weird stranger immediately started cooking. Roxas didn't know what he was making and he had a feeling he didn't want to know (just as well…since it was only dirt)

"Listen, I'm not really hungry, can't you take me to Ansem soon?" Roxas asked.

"Ah, no worries about that. Soon you will be with him" the stranger said and walked into the living room, looking like he had thrown half of the dish on his clothes and the rest on the floor, seeing as the plates he arrived with were empty.

"Why can't you just tell me where he is so I can go there myself?" Roxas asked.

The stranger sighed, and said into thin air "I can't help that guy, he's too childish."

"Was I any different when I was younger?" Xemnas' ghost asked.

"He's too old!" the stranger said.

"…I was older"

"And see how bad that turned out!"

"Hey! I wasn't that bad! Just confused."  
"Wait a minute…you're Ansem the Weird?" Roxas asked.  
"Ansem the WISE!" Ansem said. "I told you to stop using that nickname" he warned the ghost.

"Make me!" Xemnas' ghost sighed.

"I'll tell your mom!" Ansem said.

Roxas looked to both of them and wondered exactly WHO was the childish one in this room.

"So…was there any reason for me to come here at all?" he asked.

"Why yes, you need to train in the ways of the force, otherwise you will never be able to defeat the good empire" Ansem said.

"Don't you mean the evil empire?" Roxas asked.

"Good. Bad. Depends who you ask" Ansem said shrugging.

"Well we'll see about that shall we…what if I asked Sora himself" Roxas said and pulled out a cell phone.

He dialled a number and waited….and waited….and waited….

"Hello" someone finally said.

"Riku? Why the heck are you using Sora's phone?" Roxas asked.  
"Oh, he's too busy wrestling a crazy rabbity thing and a dog. Did you need anything or did you just want to tell me what planet you are on so I can blow it to smithereens?" Riku said.

"Actually I just wanted to know do you consider yourself an evil empire or a good one?" Roxas asked.

"I will only answer that if you tell me what planet you are on" Riku said.

"…Sure…I'm on…Twilight Town"

"Oh…I can't blow that one up, my friends are there".

"Bummer...then what about my question?"

"Fine, the answer is: no. Good bye" Riku said and hung up.

Roxas just gazed at the phone. "What was that supposed to mean?" he asked.

"That's obvious! They're a STUPID empire! Now are you going to come train with me so you can defeat the Stupid Empire now?" Ansem asked.

"Sigh…fine. What do I have to do?" Roxas said.

"Well first of you need to go back and pull your space ship out of the quicksand you parked it in" Ansem said and pointed out of the window, where they could see Roxas' gummi ship…or one wing sticking out of the quicksand.

"HOLY CRAP!" Roxas yelled and ran out.

"Wait…he didn't park the ship over there" Xemnas said.

"No, I did. He was annoying" Ansem said.

After hours of pulling the gummi ship out of the hole (using a rope, he's not Yoda or anything) Roxas looked too exhausted to do any training.

"So, how say we begin that training now? Eyh kid?" Ansem asked enthusiastically.

"If I had a heart, I would hate you so much" Roxas said.

--

Meanwhile, Axel, Demyx, Namine and Tron were hiding inside an asteroid.

"They fell for it! Got it memorized?" Axel said proudly.

"God…I told them they were sending the wrong guy" Demyx said as he leaned over the edge of the gummi ship and threw up.

"How's the hyperdrive going Tron?" Axel asked, punching the ship's PC.

"Not good" Tron's voice said from the speaker. "I don't know where your ship learned to communicate, I've tried everything from kupo to chochobo-language and I don't get anything!"

"Have you considered trying a binary code?" Namine asked.

The speakers gazed at her…or would have they had eyes...which in fact they did since Axel had put stickers on it for one reason or another.

"Well what do you know…it worked. We need some spare parts" Tron said.

"Great! And I know just the place to get it! TO CASTLE OBLIVION!" Axel said.

"Castle Oblivion is blasted to pieces" Namine reminded him.

"Oh right…then TO CLOUD CITY!" Axel said.

"What? Who in their right mind names their city that?" Demyx asked.

"No one in their right mind my watery friend. The city was originally built by Final Fantasy-fangirls who got thrown out of other worlds for being extremely obnoxious" Axel said. "They named it Cloud City since they're all hopelessly in love with Cloud Strife…of course he won't set a foot there…I happen to have a friend living there at the moment who runs a souvenir shop there, he sells Cloud-figurines".

"One would think the fangirls had them all already" Namine said.

"Yeah, but most of them prefer to have at least 20 copies of the same doll, just in case. Let's get moving" Axel said and turned on the engine.

* * *

**Usagi: I want to live in that town.**

**Zakura: the heck?**

**Usagi: yeah…it happens to be the only world/planet/city in this fanfic that kept its original name…but for completely different reasons XD**

**Cloud: it's highly disturbing…**

**Usagi: so who could Axel's mystery "friend" be? Find out in the next chapter! …or read it on my profile, it's not that big of a secret XD Just don't ask me how the characters got those parts…many are quite random.**


	8. Part V: Cloud City

**Usagi: Really sorry about the wait guys… Originally I tried to balance my three on-going fanfics but since the last time this was updated, I finished Lost in Darkness and wrote 11 chapters of its sequel… really sorry for everyone who was waiting for HW. **

**But rest assured I haven't forgotten! So here's the final chapter of Heart Wars part V!**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

**Cloud (Strife) City**

* * *

Cloud City was really living up to its name.

Wherever the nobodies looked, there was a giant poster of Cloud on every wall, even the windows; the gang suspected there were probably posters on the inside as well.

"So…what are we doing here?" Namine asked.

"The friend I mentioned was the one who owned MFR before me, he'll be sure to have some spare parts" Axel said. "Just don't freak out when you see him".

"Now why would we do…OH NO LOOK OUT!" Tron said and pointed to the spot were Axel was about to land. There stood...Riku?

Namine looked out the window and sighed.

"Relax Tron it's not the emperor" she assured him as the ship landed.

Axel jumped out immediately.

"Hi there old buddy!" he said and waved to the Riku-look-alike, who replied with giving him a death glare scale 132. 61.

"What the f did you do to my ship you pyromaniac moron??" he said. "It looks like it's been trhough war!"

"Well it pretty much has…we need some spare parts since the hyper drive isn't working" Axel said. "We would have asked your dad but…he's dead".

"Oh finally! That means I can inherit his gummi-collection" the Riku Replica said, rubbing his hands together.

"Sorry, castle Oblivion kind of blew up so I can only assume the gummis did too" Axel said.

"Daaaaaaaaaaamn! Oh well, I guess I could give you some spare parts, it's not like I need them anyway now that the empire blew up my other collection of gummi ships back home…come on in while the crew fixes the ship" RR said. "I just got a Wii."

"The Nintendo one?" Axel asked suspicious.

"Er…yeah?" RR said.

"H-how could you!" Axel said. "You're a Playstation-character and you're getting a Nintendo Wii??"

"You know…technically I am not a Playstation-character since I appeared in CoM which was originally for Game Boy Advance…and while we're at it so do you" RR said.

"Oh…well in that case it's okay" Axel said, suddenly all calm.

"I sure hope this man doesn't betray us or anything" Tron said.

"Relax Tron. You've seen too many movies" Axel said. "People never betray each other in real life".

"But what about the time when you…" Demyx started.

"Shut up Demyx. It never happened. Got it memorized?" Axel said.

They followed RR into one of the few buildings that weren't covered by Cloud-posters…that is not as many Cloud-posters as the rest of them… when suddenly a net fell over their heads.

"Wha? Oh man! We're trapped! Now what are we going to do? We're going to die!" Demyx yelled.

"Demyx…it's a net" Axel said and quickly burned the net so the gang could get out. "I can't believe you betrayed us!" he said accusingly to RR.

"Well duh…he's a freaking clone of the emperor!" Namine said.

"Aw that really hurt my feelings! I may have a fake heart but at least I have one… I had a really good reason for betraying you guys and it's NOT because I wanted to do the "real thing" a favour" RR said.

The gang gazed at him.

"So…what was the reason?" Namine asked.

"I forgot…" RR said.

"…You've got a fake brain too don't you" Namine said.

"Of course I do. Everything about me was artificially created" RR replied.

Then suddenly a duck came running in.

"Stop it right there nobodies!" he said…or more precicelly quacked.

The nobodies gazed at him.

"Come again?" Axel asked.

"I said: stop right there!" The duck said.

"What did you say? I didn't quite catch that" Axel said.

"STOP RIGHT THERE THIS INSTANT!" the duck yelled jumping up and down, just as Sora too zoomed in trhough the door on a bike. Yes. A bike. DO you have a problem with that?

"What Donald said was: stop there or we'll shoop da woop your asses!" he said, jumping off the bike because he was riding one. A bike. Now imagine Sora on a bike.

"I never mentioned a shoop da woop" Donald said.

"It was implied" Sora said, one hand still on the bike, since as you might remember he came in on one. A bike that is.

"I think Riku's SDW-addiction is infective" Donald said.

"Hey! If you want to keep your job in this empire; don't EVER talk bad about the SDW" Sora said, the bike still resting in his hand.

"Er…sorry to break it up guys but did you want something?" Axel asked.

"Yes! We wanted… where's Roxas?" Sora asked, finally placing the bike up against a wall.

"Radiant Garden" Axel said shrugging.

"O…k…then we just want you" Sora said, as the bike behind him fell over.

"You're never catching us alive!" Namine said.

"Not you, I'm talking about him" Sora said pointing to Axel, and not to the bike that was now lying on the ground.

"Oh I know what you're after, you just want Leon's reward don't you?" Axel said.

"No…no…I don't care less about the money" Sora said. "Donald does. But I don't care, I just want to see you frozen in carbonite". The bike was still lying on the ground.

"Why?" Axel asked.

"For kicks. Now get going, I have a chainsaw and I'm not afraid to use it" Sora said.

"A chainsaw?" Namine asked in disbelief.

"Don't talk bad about the chainsaw either" Sora warned her. "Also if Usagi mentions that stupid bike again she'll get to know how it feels like to be attacked by one."

--

"I don't think this is working out really well."

"What are you talking about? You're doing great. You missed a spot by the way".

Roxas stood up. He was wearing a maid's outfit and was holding a wet cloth.

"This isn't training, you're just making me clean your floor" he said.

"And that's training. You're learning… some battle technique…that you'll find very important later" Ansem said.

"And what's the point in the maid's outfit?" Roxas said.

Ansem thought over this for a moment.

"You'll never know when you'll have to put your crossdressing skills into good use" he said eventually.

"You are plain nuts" Roxas said and threw the cloth on the floor before leaving.

"That's it, we're screwed" Ansem said.

"How come?" Xemnas asked.

"Its going to take me ages to clean up this mess myself!" Ansem said. "It'll be the death of me I'm sure." He looked over at Xemnas, sporting the biggest puppy eyes imaginable.

"I'd love to help you but I'm a ghost. See yah" Xemnas said and left.

"Well, I'm not helping them out again" Ansem said.

--

So Roxas and Tinkerbell jumped on their gummi ship and decided to go to Cloud City to stalk Namine. And yeah…check if she'd gotten in trouble. Roxas assumed since she was a princess she had to get kidnapped again sooner or later. Princesses did that. That might also be why Kairi wasn't in this fanfic.

"Say Tink? Isn't that Sora's gummi ship that's parked next to that not-so-poster covered building?" Roxas asked as he spotted RR's house.

Tinkerbell flew around squeaking like she usually did, till Roxas hit her with a fly swap.

"Shut up, I don't even know what you're saying" he said.

He landed his ship next to MFR and the Highwind and walked in.

"Hello everyone! I was just in the neighbour-hood and…" Roxas said as he suddenly realised he was surrounded by heartless. "Oh crap."

"Roxas! It's a trap!" Namine yelled from behind the army of heartless.

"Oh really? I didn't know that… YOU COULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT SOONER!" Roxas yelled.

"Well Tink says she tried to warn you sooner" Tron commented.

"Shut up Tron. Where's Axel?" Roxas asked, as he noticed only Namine, Tron and Demyx were among the captives.

Next to them was Sora holding a… skateboard and a guy who looked a lot like Riku, who was eating some ice cream.

"You know…that's a funny story" Sora said.

-Flashback-

"So…er… are you sure this is safe? Since I ain't getting paid if he gets killed" Donald said as the heartless were setting up the machine.

"Of course, it's made by the best heartless engineers ever!" Sora said.

"I am so dead" Axel said.

"Immah finding that insulting!" a shadow behind Sora yelled.

"Yeah…don't insult the heartless, especially not that one or you WILL die" Sora said. "Actually that would be kind of fun to watch."

"Dude… don't kill my captive again. You're the reason I'm not making any money as a bounty hunter" Donald said.

"Why the heck does Leon need him to be alive anyway?" Sora said.

-End flashback-

"That flashback didn't say what happened to Axel" Roxas said.

"I never said it did. I just said it was a funny story" Sora said. "But seriously though…what would Leon need a live nobody for?"

"Axel got frozen in carbonite and sent back to Twilight Town" Namine said.

"Aaaw. I wanted to say that…oh well I'm just gonna fight you instead, put the prisoners in their cells" Sora said.

"You wanna fight huh? Oh I'll show you" Roxas said and pulled out a light sabre.

Sora just blinked at his weapon. "A light sabre? Pft. Those things are so out, now THIS is in!" he said and pulled out a laser version of the Kingdom Key.

"I'll show you what's in!" Roxas said, pulling out laser versions of Oathkeeper and Oblivion.

"So you wanna play rough huh?" Sora said and pulled out a Shoop Da Woop Laser Key Chainsaw!

"….holy s….." Roxas said, before he ran for it.

"Hey! Come back here! We're supposed to have an epic battle!" Sora yelled and ran after him.

The two ran trhough the building for quite some time, Sora was being awfully mad because he couldn't land in a hit on Roxas.

"Stop for a moment will yah? I need to tell you something!" Sora said.

"Why don't you say it while I run" Roxas asked.

"Fine. Roxas, huff huff, I am your other!" Sora yelled.

Roxas stopped in his tracks, making Sora crash into him and fall to the floor.

"That's not true! That's impossible!" he said.

"Search your feelings! You know it's true!" Sora said, still on the floor.

"I don't have feelings retard" Roxas said.

"Oh…then search your name! Its pretty much an anagram of Sora with an X added you know, and it says so in this Wikipedia Article I printed" Sora said, showing Roxas a sheet of paper.

"Well I can still deny it right? K thanks bye!" Roxas said and ran of.

"Hey wait! Will somebody help me up?? This key chainsaw is heavy!" Sora yelled.

--

Meanwhile, Roxas' friends were having problems of their own.

"My floor is so dirty" Ansem pouted.

Not that friend…heck they're not even friends.

Namine, Tron, Demyx and even Tinkerbell for some reason had been thrown into a jail cell RR just happened to have.

"How are we going to get out of her? Will we even get food? Oh god the air is running out! We're gonna drown! I'M TOO BLONDE TO DIE!" Demyx said crying.

"Okay one: There's food on the plate over there. Two: we have a window, we're not running out of air. Three: There is no water in here. Four: KNOCK IT OF!" Namine yelled.

Demy went quiet, but he was still whimpering as he threw himself over the food, when someone opened the door.

RR looked in, looking confused. "This isn't the bathroom is it?" he said.

"Shouldn't you know? It's your house" Namine said.

"Well yes… so…wanna come out or something? I just realised Sora is a poophole and I don't want to help him anymore" RR said.

"You only just realised?" Namine said blinking.

"My little brother has been keeping me up for 12 days straight! You try to think straight with all that nonsense?" RR yelled.

"You have a little brother?" Namine said.

"Yes, he was born back in Dork Period. Vexen calls him Chibi Cloud…but despite the fact that he looks like a miniature version of Cloud Strife he's nothing like him…" RR sighed.

"Fine by me. Let's get out of here!" Namine said and ran out of the door, closely followed by Demyx, Tron and Tinkerbell who all stepped on RR in the process (even Tink, she just felt like being obnoxious).

"I was going to suggest helping you guys rescue Axel but now I'm not so sure I want to" RR groaned.

"No matter, we hate you both anyway" Namine said.

"Yeah but can you drive the gummi ship?" RR said.

Namine gazed at Demyx.

"Actually… Axel was normally the one who was driving" the melodious nocturne admitted.

"You're hired!" Namine said and pulled RR with her, despite the fact that he had just said he wouldn't help them…oh well now he had to.

On the way out they also crashed into Roxas so Namine grabbed on to him too and pulled both him and RR back to the MFR.

* * *

**Usagi: that was the slowest update ever… no wait…Dork period has been on hiatus for longer time periods back when I still wrote.**

**Sora: only because you insisted on writing 100 chapters of pure nonsense, now it this goes on HW will be…er…**

**Shadow-Ienzo: 12 chapters long**

**Sora: than…what are you doing here? (Kicks Shadow-Ienzo back to DoH)**

**Usagi: that was about it… please review! I'll try my best to upload part VI as soon as I can! **


	9. Part VI: Leon's Worries

**Usagi: finally the saga continues! The final part of Heart Wars has begun…**

**Zakura: retarded as it is uploading this as one fanfic yet STILL split it in three..**

**Usagi: …and we get to meet the rest of Leon's party.**

**Zakura: …not to mention that Heart Wars start with part IV…**

**Usagi: I guess you've figured by now Leon plays Yabba the hutt in this fanfic. His lackeys are basically the other final fantasy characters; Cid (the one from FF VII if you didn't guess that already), Yuffie, Aerith, Tifa, Yuna, Paine, Rikku, Cloud…**

**Zakura: …and for some reason Zack Fair.**

**Usagi: that "some reason" would be that I got Crisis Core for my Birthday. And because I wanted to. **

**Zakura: that's your explanation for everything isn't it?**

**Usagi: yes it is. That is also the reason why everyone in Leon's party are complete morons…**

**Zakura: in other words: just like everybody else in this fic.**

**Usagi: very good point there rabbit, Enjoy!**

* * *

**Part ****VI: Return of No one.**

* * *

**Chapter 1**

**Leon's worries**

* * *

"Look, I already said I would help you, would you please stop pointing that thing at me?"

"No."

"You heartless bastard".

"It's better than having a fake heart."

"No it isn't you idiot! You never tried!"

RR was driving the MFR trhough space, while Roxas for some strange reason pointed a gun at his head, Tron was in the computer terminal looking at porn on the internet…or so they assumed, while Tinkerbell, Namine and Demyx were playing chess. Now how were three people able to play chess with one another at the same time you asked? Simple. It's because logic is boring.

"So I guess we're going back to Twiligh…wait… Why is Leon in Twilight Town? I thought he lived in Radiant Garden…" Roxas asked.

"Blame the writing staff" Namine said. "And with writing staff I mean Usagi of course, that must be why this fanfic is so rarely updated…" At this, one of her chess pieces suddenly blew up in her face.

"A bit of advice Nami…don't talk bad about the author…EVER" Roxas said.

--

Meanwhile Tron and Tinkerbell were walking trhough the desert.

"Hey WAIT A MINUTE! We were just in the MFR, how can we be there and here at the same time?" Tron asked.

Fine…so LATER they were in the desert.

"Well I still don't get why there's a desert here…ah here we are" Tron said, as the two sidekick approached a huge door, with a sign above saying "Squall's HQ"… it appeared it originally said Leon in flashing neon signs, but it was covered with paint and changed to Squall, which appeared to be written with Yuffie's hand writing, how did they know this? Because she'd signed it.

"Wonder what kind of punishment she got for that?" Tron wondered, and then he rang the doorbell.

The door immediately sprang open, and a blonde guy wearing pilot's goggles and carrying a huge cannon suddenly showed up.

"YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY SHOP FILTHY HEARTLESS MONGRELS!!" He yelled. Then he looked around and saw there were in fact no heartless in front of him…in fact there were no one there at all.

"Over here" Tron's voice was heard, Cid (because that was the cannon-guy's name) moved the door and saw the two sidekicks squashed against the wall.

"Ops. Sorry about that. Thought you were heartless" he said.

"I thought you were allies with the emperor" Tron said.

"We are. But that doesn't have to mean we have to like heartless, one of the shadows blasted out the north wall damnit!" Cid said, pointing towards another end of the building which stood completely unprotected against wind and weather, which could explain all the sand in the entrance hall.

"Well anyway come on in!" Cid said, pulling the two confused sidekicks in the door before closing it and put 10 locks on it…which was rather forfeit since one of the walls were missing so anyone could just walk in anyway, as long as they could get past the police line which was put over the large gaping hole at the north side of the building, which turned out to be made from toilet paper painted yellow which someone (probably Yuffie again) had written "No Entry" on. Every once in a while it says "Ninjas are awesome" though…which lead our sidekicks to believe it was Yuffie who made it.

After being dragged trhough several hallways and into a room at the far south side of the building, Cid dropped them both down at the floor in front of Leon, who sat at a random office chair behind a desk in the middle of what seemed to be a party room, complete with a band consisting of three girls singing "Real Emotion".

"Who are you?" Leon asked. "Cid, how many times have I told you not to invite random strangers in?"

"Never. We live in the middle of a bloody desert, in fact these guys are the first visitors we've ever had since we moved here" Cid said. "Them and the empire, but they had a key so they came right in…and by the way, I've been meaning to tell you its not very secure to have 10 looks if they both work on the same key anyway".

Tinkerbell started chirping again.

"Tink asks if you don't suppose the giant hole in the north wall is a security risk then?" Tron asked.

"Hah! Like they can get past my fence!" said Yuffie who just entered trhough the back door carrying a bucket of paint.

"Yuffie, didn't I tell you to fix my sign?" Leon asked.

"Sorry Squall! I'll get right to it!" Yuffie said and ran out the door.

"IT'S LEON!" Leon yelled after her, before turning to the sidekicks again. "Erhm…yeah. What do you want?"

"Actually we came with a message from Organization XIII…." Tron said before a hatch opened bellow him, throwing him and Tinkerbell into a hole bellow.

"If there's one thing I hate more than heartless blowing of my north wall its nobodies…existing" Leon said, before turning to the band who suddenly seemed to have gotten a new member. "Aerith, how many times have I told you not to do that?"

"But this song is so catchy!" Aerith said. "And now I know, world of real emotion has surrounded meeee".

"SHUT UP!" Leon yelled, as suddenly a black-haired guy ran onto the scene.

"Don't you talk to her like that!" the newcomer said.

"Zack have you heard her sing?" Leon asked.

"As a matter of fact…" Zack admitted and turned around.

"I won't give into it, now I know that forward is the only way that I can goooo" Aerith sang, before Zack suddenly gagged her and threw her in a flower-cart before running of with both her and it.

--

Ten minutes later another person was thrown at the floor in Leon's party room.

"Cid…" Leon said.

"But she looked so cold and lonely" Cid apologized.

"Okay…so what do you want little girl?" Leon asked, because it was in fact Namine who had been thrown at the floor in front of him. "Did you come to save the man you love?"

"No? What makes you think that?" Namine asked.

"You're a girl coming to save a man, that obviously must mean you are in love" Leon said.

"That's the most retarded logic I have ever heard…I'm a nobody moron, I can't love anything, not even you" Namine said.

Leon looked at her in shock.

"Aw come on! Don't look so surprised, there must be some girls here who aren't in love with you" Namine said.

Leon gazed at all the girls in the room, who was currently Yuna, Rikku, Paine, Yuffie (painting on the walls) and Aerith who still sat gagged in the flower cart, with Zack and Cloud guarding her for some reason.

"Sorry, I have a boyfriend already" Yuna said.

"I'm in love with this lollipop" Rikku said.

"I don't like your hat" Paie said.

"You're mean to me" Yuffie whined.

"Mfhfm mrfhw fmfwh" Aerith said.

"She doesn't like you either" Zack translated. "At least I hope not…"  
"Actually it sounded more like she said the cart was ugly and that you should make her a new one that ISN'T made of random trash you found in the slums" Cloud said.

"I didn't find ALL of it in the slums" Zack corrected. "Besides, since when were you a master in muffled?"

"I picked muffled as foreign language at law school" Cloud said.

Everyone else in the room stared at him, Tifa popped her head out of a trashcan near the ex-SOLDIERs (one of which wasn't really an ex-SOLDIER but that might be a spoiler…ups)

"You went to law school?" she asked.

"Yes…and if you were a better stalker you would have known that…by the way don't stalk me, that's against the law, don't make me file a restraining order on you" Cloud said.

"I wouldn't have to stalk you if you kept hi…where did he go?" Tifa asked, as she suddenly noticed her childhood friend had been replaced with an action figure. (It may have worked if it was a Cloud action figure but it wasn't. In fact it was a Denzel figure, where Cloud had gotten it or even WHY he carried it along remained a mystery).

"Can we stop going off topic for two seconds? Yes? Okay then" Leon said and pressed a button. Namine fell into the same hole Tron and Tink had fallen trhough earlier.

"Good, now Cid, please don't invite other ra…what the heck?" Leon said as he suddenly spotted Roxas, Demyx and RR sitting on the floor, then he glared at Cid.

"They looked so cold and lonely" Cid shrugged.

"WE'RE IN A FREAKING DESERT! AND THERE ARE THREE OF THEM! HOW CAN THEY GET COLD AND LONELY?" Leon shouted, before throwing the new trio into the hole as well.

* * *

**Usagi: That was that chapter… and I finally got to bash Aerith a little. I don't really mind Aerith…just her KH2-voice… **

**PLEASE REVIEW! **


	10. Part VI: Final Fantasy Finished

**Usagi: Hello everyone. Here comes a rather short yet hopefully funny Heart Wars chapter…**

**It introduces Maleficent as the Rancor/monster in Leon's basement, and the Sarlacc as…the Sarlacc.**

**Zakura: You're just being lazy…**

**Usagi: Am not. Enjoy! **

* * *

**Chapter 2**

**Final Fantasy Finished**

* * *

"Axel! There you are! I thought you were frozen!" Roxas said as he noticed his friend.

"Well I'm not anymore. My element is fire anyway so how long did they expect to keep me trapped… by the way what are you doing here?" Axel asked.

"Rescuing you of course" Namine said.

"Really? Cause to me it looks like you're about to get eaten by a giant dragon…" Axel said.

Well yes if you read the last chapter you would have noticed that our heroes had indeed got themselves in quite a pinch.

When we last saw Axel he was frozen in carbonite, which he obviously isn't anymore…

When we last time saw Tinkerbell and Tron they were thrown into Leon's basement for mentioning nobodies.

When we last saw Namine she was thrown in Leon's basement because Zack, Cloud and Tifa kept getting of topic…or something, I lost track there…

When we last saw Roxas, Demyx and the Riku Replica they were thrown into Leon's basement for not being cold and lonely.

We return to each and every one of them sitting in Leon's basement looking up at a huge dragon.

"Isn't that Malificent? What's she doing here?" RR asked.

"Eating us? RUN AWAY!" Demyx shouted.

"Sorry Dem, there's no place to run so I guess we have to fight her" Axel said. "And make one of the Final Fantasy characters cry".

"Why?" Roxas said.

"I saw Return of the Jedi, if we kill this thing, someone's bound to end up crying over it" Axel said. "Then we're gonna get thrown into a giant flower…"

"Okay stop spoiling and lets kill this thing" Roxas said.

"I have an idea, maybe we could trip her over if someone used their weapon to sweep her of her feet using the same kind of movement as one would use cleaning the floor" Namine said, then Roxas knocked her out.

"What did you do that for?" RR asked.

"None of your business. ATTACK!" Roxas yelled.

Suddenly however they could hear a horrible sound from above, then the hatch opened again and Aerith fell onto the monster's head, killing it.

"That was incredibly easy…" Axel said.

"Every now and then I don't know what to feel, you come in with me and try to save meeee" Aerith sang, quite horribly I might add.

"AARGH THE SOUND! KILL IT!" Axel said, and put Aerith on fire, killing her.

"Was that really necessary?" Tron asked.

"Yes. I've gone far too long without burning someone to death" Axel said and put Tron on fire, luckily Demyx was able to put him out rather quickly.

Then suddenly a door opened and Zack ran in, he took one look at the dragon and the still burning remains of Aerith and started crying.

"See? Told you so" Axel said.

"I don't think he was crying over the dragon though…" Roxas said.

"No, but he IS crying over the…thing that I killed, so it counts" Axel said, before a whole bunch of guards came in and carried them away.

--

"Now I'm REALLY pissed at you guys, how dare you kill one of my henchmen?" Leon asked when the party was once again sitting in front of him.

"Well you threw her into a pit with a dragon…" Roxas said.

"I hardly see how that's relevant…the dragon didn't kill her, Axel did, thus it's all his fault so I'm dooming you all to a thousand years of pain" Leon said. "Except Namine and the sidekicks."

"What did we do?" RR said. "In fact I didn't do anything at all. I just showed up her, I'm not even a nobody, I have a heart you know! And why does Namine and the sidekicks get to go free?"

"First of: You're a looney. Second: Namine and the sidekicks don't get to go free, I need new servants now that Aerith's dead so I'm making them slaves" Leon said. "I can do that because this is based on Tatooine".

"Why do you need all three of us?" Namine asked.

"Because Tinkerbell is too short to count as one, come on" Leon said.

--

"Tell me Roxas, does it look bad?" Axel asked.

"Take a look for yourself, you're not blind" Roxas said.

"If this was Star Wars I would have been…and I kind of wished I was" Axel replied, staring down at the spikes bellow them. "You'd think Usagi would have come up with something new instead of just using the same monster they did in Star Wars though…"

"There's nothing in Kingdom Hearts that eats you and makes you suffer for a thousand years, now keep going!" Donald said, he was standing just behind them poking them with a stick.

"Why don't YOU get going?" Axel asked, and picked up the duck by its arms throwing him into the plant thing.

"HAVE FUN SUFFERING FOR A THOUSAND YEARS DUCK-MAN!" Axel yelled, before throwing a fireball in with him, scorching the monster plant.

"Except now he won't be suffering for thousand years, he'll burn to death along with the plant which should take only a few minutes since we're in a dried out desert" RR said.

"Way to spoil the fun, Fake Riku…" Axel muttered.

Suddenly Tron, Tinkerbell and Namine can onto the scene as well.

"How did you guys get free from Leon?" Roxas asked.

"Tinkerbell went nuts, brought out a giant machine gun and killed everyone when Seifer called her a chicken-wuzz-pixie" Namine said.

"Okay then. Well now that that's over with let's get going to…wherever we're supposed to be going next" Roxas said.

--

Meanwhile on a gummi ship far far away.

"Finally! My plan is working perfectly!" Riku said.

"Perfectly? The nobodies just escaped certain death, and the pixie killed all of the Final Fantasy characters" Sora said.

"Whatever, at least then I won't have to keep my deal with Leon… also my plan is working perfectly because we've got a new death star!" Riku said.

"Why did you go through all that trouble? If you waited just a couple more days you could have wished for one for your birthday" Sam said.

"Did somebody say birthday?" a strange voice said. Suddenly a Mexican guy ran in from nowhere and started playing some happy music, before he got a bat-shaped keyblade through his throat and died.

"He said two more days, dumbass!" Riku said annoyed. "Those stupid Birthday-mariachis... Anyways…the moment our new Death Star becomes operational we can start Shoop Da Wooping worlds again!" he said and laughed evilly, Sora laughed too.

"How come you need another Death Star when you've got a shadow in your party that shoots two planet-crushing laser beams from his eyes already?" Max asked.

Sora and Riku quickly stopped laughing and stared at the rabbit.

"IMMAH FEELING FORGOTTEN!" the shadow heartless yelled.

* * *

**Usagi: Short…Sorry… but it was all we had time for.**

**Zakura: or all you felt like writing at the moment…**

**Usagi: psht… well a lot of things still got to happen. The party escaped Twilight Town and killed of all the Final Fantasy characters in a rather silly manner, I made one of my favourite Final Fantasy characters cry before killing him, Riku got some plotting done and we just found out most of his plans are in fact rather pointless as long as that shadow is in his party.**

**Roxy-kun: (Grins)**

**Usagi: not you… Please review! **


	11. Part VI: New Allies

**Usagi: HI and welcome back to another thrilling chapter of Heart Wars….were nothing of importance is going on…**

**Zakura: the Organization gets a new spare nr 14 though…**

**Usagi: or 15… anyway, on with the chapter:**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

**New Allies**

* * *

Having escaped from Twilight Town our heroes flew towards the Organization's new HQ, which was positioned on a jungle planet.

"So… Tatooine is only desert, Hoth is only a frozen tundra, Corrosant is nothing but one humongous city and Endor is a moon covered in nothing but trees. Haven't George Lucas heard of diversity? Is Earth only sea? No. Its only 70 sea" Namine said, as she was reading the script to Star Wars for some reason. "And why doesn't anyone realize Anakin and Padme are married when they're living in the same apartment?"

"Namine, what's the point in questioning the logic of a movie? It's not getting you anywhere" Roxas said. "And I'm getting really tired of listening to it as well… NOBODY CARES!"

"You are nobody" Namine stated. "So judging by what you just said you do care. And hey, if Scar isn't Kovu's father, who is? Maybe he and Kiara are half-siblings…Gasp! No wonder Disney covered that up…"

Roxas slammed his head into the dashboard.

"Please tell me we are there or knock me out please" he said.

"We're there…but this might become a bumpy landing since you just wrecked the dashboard" Axel said.

And so the MFR crash-landed onto the Deep Jungle, destroying a colony of gorillas in the process as they weren't needed for the plot.

"Okay we're here. Now where's our dysfunctional leader?" Roxas asked.

"My guess is that he's in there" Axel said and pointed to a small barrack, it had a note on the door saying "Help Wanted".

Roxas went in and sure enough there was Xigbar, currently interviewing some white fuzzy creature with a red pompon on its head.

"So…you say your people can help us out in the war…do you have any awesome technologic advantages?" Xigbar asked the creature.

"Nope. But we have a neat catapult, kupo" the thing said.

"…And super powerful energy balls to fire from it?" Xigbar asked.

"Nope. But we could throw large rocks, kupo" said the moogle. Because it was a moogle. And if you hadn't figured that out sooner then I don't think you've been paying much attention in Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy.

"Riiiight. Well we'll think about it. Don't call us, we're calling you" Xigbar said.

"We don't have a phone kupo" the moogle said.

"Good for you" Xigbar said and pressed a button, the moogle was immediately dropped into a trap door. Where that trapdoor went? You don't want to know…

"Any luck getting new subordinates?" Roxas asked.

"No…and weren't you supposed to train with Ansem right now?" Xigbar asked.

Roxas glared at him.

"Point taken…well there wouldn't be much use anyway since we just got a letter saying he has died" Xigbar said and gave Roxas a letter.

Roxas read it out loud: "Dear Roxas. Sadly I can't continue our very important battle training, as I have burned to death after falling into the lava. I hope your death won't be too painful. From Ansem."

"How the heck did he send that letter if he was already dead?" Namine asked.

"When did you come in?" Roxas asked.

"Just now, Xigbar, there's some woman outside…" Namine said.

"Let her in, she can't be worse than the moogle anyway" Xigbar said.

Roxas and Namine decided to leave, leaving room for a rather pissed looking woman with bright blonde hair and red eyes.

"Name?" Xigbar asked, not even looking up from his files.

"Are you my enemy?" the woman asked.

Xigbar looked up from his papers and raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Everybody is my enemy!" the woman declared.

"Everyone? You don't have friends?" Xigbar asked.

"Nobody is my friend!" said the demonic woman.

"Well in that case we must be your friends, we are nobodies" Xigbar said.

"That's not what I meant…"

"Also we could use some help fighting some people who try to destroy us, maybe you could help us out?" Xigbar said.  
"I'm not sure you get what I'm saying…"  
"And if everyone are your enemies then surely they must be too…they are part of "everybody" as far as I know" Xigbar said.

"Wait…I'm confused" the woman said.

"Look, its simple" Xigbar said. "We are nobody, thus not "everyone", the empire however are not, so they're among "everyone else" so wouldn't that by your own logic mean we are your friends and they are your enemies?"

"I've got a headache…" said the woman.

"You're hired! But I do need a name for the contract" Xigbar said.

"I am a being of solitude" the woman said.

"O…k? That's not a name…look I'm just gonna call you Rozalin is that okay?" Xigbar asked.

"The hell it is! It's the worst name ever!" said the woman.  
"Well that's what your name tag says" Xigbar said.

"Well I'll be damned…but since I'm a demon I guess I already am. Fine, call me Rozalin if you have to. Now I need to lie down before this headache gets worse" Rozalin said before opening the door.

As she did, Roxas and Axel (who had been eavesdropping outside) fell over when the door was opened. Rozalin just ignored them.

"You wouldn't hire the moogles with their catapult but you hired a random woman in a large dress?" Roxas asked. "Does she even have any super powers?"

"Hell if I know, but someone that crazy has to be a threat to someone" Xigbar said. "Also I hate moogles. Saying the same word over and over is just lame dudes."

"Got it memorized?" Axel said.

"That was totally out of context…" Roxas said.

--

Meanwhile back on…wherever Sora and Riku were at the moment, Riku was checking a print of the Death Star Instruction.

"Let me see now, Shoop da Woop Laser; check. Fridge; Check. Pokèmon cards; Check. Army of evil; check. Well it seems Leon's kept his death star in good condition considering he never used it. Such a waste" Riku said as he stared at Leon's "Army of evil", who were a bunch of old soldiers covered in moss and cobwebs.

"I can't believe he's got Charizard" Sora said, as he was staring at Leon's collection of Pokèmon-cards. "I've been looking for this forever! There is no way Kairi and her stupid Venusaur is going to beat me now!"

"Where is Kairi in this fic anyway?" Riku asked.

"Shopping?" Sora suggested.

"For all this time?" Riku asked.

"She is a teenage girl" Sora said shrugging.

"Oh yeah…you've got a point there" Riku said.

"That or she's hiding somewhere waiting to kidnap one of us so she can steal their part in the fanfic" Max said.

"You crack me up little buddy" Sam said… at least it looked like Sam, but he seemed to have suddenly grown long red hair and appeared to be wearing a mask….with his own face.

"CAN I FIRE UP MAH LAZAR NOW?" the talking shadow yelled. "IMMAH BEEN CHARGING UP MY LAZARZ FOR TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT AND IF IMMA NOT FIRIN SOON IMMAH GONNA BLOW".

"Nah, that's not necessary anymore, we have a new death star now with a built-in laser" Riku said.

"MAYBEH I WASN'T SHOUTING HIGH ENOUGH…."

"No its okay. Go save your strength, play that PS3 I bought you" Riku said.

"Sure hope Roxy-kun doesn't discover you bought that guy a PS3, he's been nagging about it for months" Sora said as the shadow walked away. "Kind of surprising he could nag that much when he can't talk…"  
"Meh, he'll get over it" Riku said. "I gave him a NAME, that's more than I did for…that laser-shooting fella."

"You named him after the person you hate most because he was a moron, how's that for an act of love?" Sora asked.

"Technically I named him after you" Riku said. "Or well the original Roxas was named after you so calling the shadow Roxas was…well you get what I mean."

"I don't think that was very kind either" Max said, before a giant key suddenly hit him in the head from nowhere…and if you don't get where that key came from you still haven't played enough Kingdom Hearts… in fact I'd be wondering if you've played it at all, in which case WHY are you reading this fanfic?

* * *

**Usagi: poor Roxy-kun must be feeling so neglected…**

**Zakura: he's a freaking heartless…. They don't have feelings!**

**Usagi: Pft. He's still cute. Anyways the new helper of Organization was a bit of a random insert…. She's from Disgaea 2 and no…she's not normally like that, but I just love that alternate personality of hers XD **

**Rozalin: Are you my enemy?**

**Usagi: er… You can turn back to normal now…**

**Rozalin: I am a being of solitude.**

**Usagi: jikes… ADEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL! (Runs of)**

**Zakura: and while Usagi's of hunting game characters, I guess I should say Please review!**

**Rozalin: (charging up her lazarz…wait what?)  
Zakura: (runs of) **


End file.
